How to Arrange Everything inside a Big Closet?
8 years ago
So...as it stands at the moment, i don't think that my life has gotten any clearer or meaningful. Reflecting on my situation I just know for sure that sooner or later my life is going to come to a screeching halt, and I'm not going to know what to do about it. Things haven't gotten any less confusing. I don't know what to do.
There's an overwhelming sense that nothing I see, hear, sense nor touch is real. I can't shake it off. The more I try to think about things, the fuzzier it gets, and it always seems to come to the conclusion that everythign is an illusion. Its getting to the stage now that I am so apathetic to everything, because I feel so strongly inside that I'm really living in a dream world. I have no real emotions. I dont know what true happiness is, and on the same token, I dont think i know what true sadness is either.
I'm increasingly annoyed by little things. I feel so needy, and selfish. It hurts inside to know that I am such a greedy person, and all I ever think about is myself. I write about how i feel all the time, but the truth is, i dont know how i feel. I dont understand myself, nor the world around it. My lack of knowledge and understanding about how i work, and how the world works makes me want to just dissappear. I feel so insignificant. I feel so defeated.
The whole 'coming out' to Charlie thing felt as if it never happened. Technically it didnt really happen because i never 'came out' to him. I just told him that i was questioning myself. And the truth is, even though that may have been the best moment to have ever told him, I was still hesitant to give him any clear answer. I didn't tell him i was gay. I didn't tell him i was straight. I didn't tell him i was bi. I simply said i was questioning myself.
Its not fair... I haven't gotten over EV telling people that i was 'openly gay'. Its not fair because I wasn't given an opportunity to realise myself before anyone else knew. Its not fair that everyone else will know that im 'gay' before i know myself. Its not fair that an image of me has been painted before anyone actually knows what I truly look like. I know its not her fault, but its really really hurting me inside. You might call it a petty issue and that I'm making too much of a big deal out of it, but i really can't stop how i feel about this issue.
Sooner or later my life will come to a halt. I can't sit on the fence for the rest of my life. My indecisiveness will probably be the end of me. Im slowly driving myself insane.
So...getting to know me (40 things about me - i stole this from Ron's blog)
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1. Name? (screen name is fine)
EmptySpaces (Blogger Alias)
Dan (One of a few names that i've called myself in my blog)
2. Are you a boy or girl?
Male
3. How old are you?
22, turning 23 at the end of the year
4. Are you straight, gay, bi or unsure
To be honest i dont know. A bit of everything. This is what is making me crazy. Not knowing what i am or what i want.
5. Whats your favorite color?
I have a natural prefernce for green, but i like all colours.
6. Whats your favorite food?
I dont have one specific favourite. I like change and i like trying new things.
7. If you could choose only one type of food for the rest of you life, what type would it be? (ex. Italian, Chinese, French)
Anything with meat.
8. How tall are you?
165cm. Ever since I was a kid, I've always been the shortest in pretty much anything i've been a part of - primary school, highschool, sports teams etc. I've always felt so insignificant because of it, and I know it doesn't really matter much, but it really has effected my self-confidence. I have body image issues.
9. Hair color?
Black.
10. Whats your favorite movie?
It depends on my mood. Can't really name one atm.
11. Favorite book?
I used to read a lot when i was younger. I mean, i used to read the "Readers Digest" when i was 7. I stopped reading a long time ago. I dont know why. Honestly i dont read books enough to have a favourite. Its sad.
12. Favorite TV show?
Supernatural season 1. Got a few others, but I really liked this series.
13. What are your hobbies?
Doing something. I've always been interested in how things work and just general design and stuff. One time i built a working water pump out of an old tyre tube, PVC pipe, broken broom handle, some sticky tape and a coke bottle. I kind of like everythign, even though im not really good at anythign in particular. I LOVE cars though.
14. What is the #1 thing that grosses you out?
Bugs,insects, reptiles and frogs creep me out. I guess im grossed out by general disgusting stuff.
15. Are you a virgin?
No. Sometimes I wish i was.
16. If no, how far have you gone? (both with boys and girls)
Everything with guys. Nothign with a girl.
17. Are you athletic? What sports?
No. I've always been bad at sports. I've also got smaller than average lungs for my bodysize, which coupled with asthma makes me super bad at anything physical. I do like swimming and tennis. And i wish i was good at soccer and cricket.
18. For guys: How big are you? (you know what I mean... lol) Are you cut or uncut?
I feel inadequate. I know its genetics, but it makes me unhappy sometimes - again body image issues. Im uncut.
19. For girls: Whats your bra size?
20. Are you happy with your size?
as above in question 18
21. Do you like, tolerate or get disgusted when you see an attractive person of the opposite sex?
Im not disgusted at all. I think i get turned on by person in general and not by the gender
22. What do you want to do with your life?
I want to belong.
23. Do you masturbate? how many times a day?
Yeah. Probably too much. I call it procrastibation.
24. Do you have a "special" toy? (again you all know what I mean... lol)
no
25. Have you ever broken a bone or had another serious injury or sickness? Explain.
I had a head injury when i was 6 which knocked me unconscious for a period of time i do not know. I still have the scar on my head.
26. What do you think is your most attractive feature?
I dont think anything about me is attractive.
27. What do you think is your least attractive feature?
Everything
28. If there is one thing in your life you could change, what would that be?
There are so many things i would have liked to change. Things like simple decisions that i made in the past, things that i've done. If I had the choice, i wish i had never been born.
29. Are you in a relationship? explain a little (boy, girl, short term, long term, etc)
Never been in one before. I feel so lonely.
30. When was the last time you got some sexual action? (of any type)
With another person, a while ago. With myself? less than a while ago.
31. Mac or PC?
Head says PC, Heart says Mac
32. Iphone, Blackberry, other PDA, or regular cell phone?
Just a normal phone. Touch screen though, but nothign fancy.
33. Do you have any pets? Which ones?
Im not really an animal person. They creep me out.
I do like fish though. It reminds me of my own life.
34. For gay and bi guys: Are you a top or bottom?
Never really tried topping before.
35. Whats the one thing in your life you are most proud of?
Nothing comes to mind.
36. Where is the weirdest place you masturbated or had sex?
At a park
37. Most number of times you came in a day?
4 or 5 times. can't remember
38. What are you most afraid of?
Being alone.
39. Favorite porn star?
Dont really have one, but i like seeing behind the scenes stuff. It helps to remind me that there is a real person behind the body we see on the screen.
40. Do you have a blog? What is it?
Yes.
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Sometimes I want to get hit by a car or a bus or something. Or just suddenly stop breathing. Or not wake up. Im not suicidal.
I just crave attention. I just want to feel like someone actually cares about me. I just want this all to end.
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I have so much to say but my head is so scrambled i just dont know how to convey my thoughts or feelings.
Im still not talking to her. For more than 5 years this little secret of mine has been inside me, clawing away at me, draining any ounce of life i have. This darkness inside me i keep it repressed and drown it out using any means i can. Doing anything i can that takes my mind off it. For more than 5 years its eaten away at me. Yet its amusing how she can just pass it on to others as if it were common knowledge. Its unbelievable. I dont think i can forgive her. She hasnt done anything wrong. But i can't stand to see her face, hear her voice or even comprehend anything she says to me anymore. And it kills me inside knowing that she doesn't know what shes done, and why I'm struggling so much to keep her a part of my life. She never gave me a chance. She's taken away my choice. It doesn't matter what i say or do. Because its already out there. Who i am and what im supposed to be.
Sometimes i just imagine that im no longer. Everything i see, everyone i know. Vanish into empty space. Because everyone will always be alone. None of this matters. Nothing matters. It makes me feel good when I imagine that there is nothing else. Not even me.
i can't bring myself to talk to her.
i want to hold haydens hands. i want to hold him. if only for a while.
Charlie, my sister and myself were going out to dinner, and we somehow stopped by a fancy looking restaurant. One we knew we were never going to be able to afford. We never had any intentions to go there, but we were waiting outside for some reason. The waiter greeted us out at the door and tried to usher us in. I told him we were alright. He asked if he could at least offer us something. So i asked for some water. He asked if i'd like some ice. I said no, just water.
Unlike other dreams, i couldn't remember the dialogue at all. It was like i just sat back and watched everything happened in MUTE. The waiter came back, and dropped a tub of water on the floor and walked away. I knew this waiter, he was a guy I had hooked up with a long while back. Something happened and my sister got upset. Charlie was aggrevated and got up and confronted the waiter. A brawl broke out. I couldn't understand anythign taht was going on. I walked up and asked a waitress what was going on. She wouldn't tell me. She refused to tell me, until I screamed at her. WHen she spoke to me, i couldn't understand what she was saying. But i picked up the following:
- something about 'ice'
- something about 'chicken'
- 10 newcomers to the establishment every month
- 3 bodies discarded
- a warning that I need to at all cost avoid "Gotham", a big fellow, dresses in black gear and has multiple tatoos.
- something about hosing down
Gotham walked into the restaurant, and the waitress frantically told me i had to go. I grabbed my sister and charlie, and told them we needed to leave immediately. The followed me out but so did the waitress. My sister then accidentally dropped her hand bag, where her wallet ID, and other cards fell out onto the ground. We frantically tried to pick everythign up, and i noticed that the waitress was also helping us, but she kept a few cards and put them in her pocket. I called her out and told her to hand it back over. I told her i'd call the police and tell them EVERYTHING if she didn't comply.
Gotham walked out to see what the commotion was about. Everythign went black. I woke up, trembling and sweating like crazy.
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So.... those thigns that i couldn't understand in the dream, i decided to google them, to see if they had some sort of hidden meaning.
- 'ice' slang for methamphetamines and also a term used to refer to the conspired murder or killing of someone
- 'chicken' another slang term for Methamphetamine
- 10 newcomers to the establishment: the restaurant was actually a cover for a drug operation, with at least 10 new 'customers' every week. Apparently we innocently discovered the operation, by not dining, and asking for 'water' with no 'ice'.
- 3 dead bodies. The waitress was telling me about 3 dead bodies. There were three of us - me, charlie and my sister.
- Gotham: the waitress told me that we had to at all cost avoid gotham. Im assuming Gotham was the drug lord. In reference to DC comics, Gotham was the city that Batman resided in. It is described as: a dark and foreboding metropolis rife with crime, grime, corruption, and a deep-seated sense of urban decay in the parts of the city not rejuvenated post-No Man's Land. Take this description, and describe a person with it, and you get Gotham, the drug lord.
- Hosing down: slang term referring to murder or kill someone in such a manner that the victim is dead or unable to walk away.
- Waitress taking my sisters cards as form of id: she was in on this operation as well, she couldn't let us get away, seeing as we now knew what really went on. She needed some way to find us, and my sisters dropped cards was how they were going to find us.
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Now i ask - what the FUCKING hell is wrong with me? Why am i dreaming up all these crazy things? Ice, chicken, hosing down, ??? I mean, i dont even know what the fuck methamphetamines are!! I'm the most unknowledgeable person when it comes to 'drugs'. I dont know any terms/slang or drug references so how these terms popped into my head i have no idea. There must be a reason why the people in the dream were in the dream. Why wasn't Hayden in this dream? Why was it Charlie and my sister? Why is everyone always out to get me in my dreamscape? Why do i keep dying?
I dont know what goes on in my head. Its like all my dreams are puzzles with hidden messages and clues and loaded with a heap of metaphors. My dreams have no bearing with what happens in reality.
And no, i didn't just watch a crime/drug related movie or tv show.
Yearn for me too, dont keep a heavy heart.
Late at night, I'll still miss you.
Don't you believe?
I'll miss you and only you.
I wanted to tell you, the words are distant, but the love is near.
Miss me a little, don't hide your heart
When you sleep, please long for me if only for just a little while
Remember to treasure, that I still love one that is far
Remember my name, in your heart
Nightfall, full moon, the stars shining bright
Please I ask of you to gaze up to the moon
Each night we have the chance to greet,
The moon is our place to meet
I long for it to be a full moon every night
I miss you every day and every night
Can you hear me? Do you know?
Do you miss me too?
Whenever you hear
Whenever you miss
Please look up to the sky
I will always love you forever more.
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It's not meant to make any sense.
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*massive hug*
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