Empty Spaces

Just letting you in on a little secret..

I have a fear of open doors.

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:-P



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I've been home alone since this afternoon, because my sister has gone away and my other housemate isn't here. MK called me and asked me what I was up to and whether I wanted to hang out and get dinner or something along those lines. I wasn't really doing anything so I agreed, and he picked up me and we drove around for a bit chatting, before we decided on where we wanted to go. Actually, we didn't really decide. He decided. Because I told him I didn't really mind where we went and that I'm not fussy at all.

So the decision was made, that we'd be trying out this Tibetan restaurant. It's a quaint little place, quite cosy actually on the end of a somewhat obscure road somewhere in West End. I don't really know West End very well but I was really surpised that theres some really neat places tucked away in what I've always thought as a pretty run down part of Brissy. We went in and it was rather busy, but we managed to get a table. Yup. A table for two, complete with the soft warm glow and flickering of a tea light candle.

For several moments after we sat down, I actually felt extremely awkward and weirded out. 1) because the restaurant was kind of a little bit too cosy for my liking, 2) the restaurant seemed to have more of a romantic feel to it rather than a casual dining experience, and 3) because i was at a table, having dinner, with another guy, when every other couple in the restaurant was of the hetero type.

I could just sense the other people in the restaurant forming opinions and assumptions in their heads. Especially the waitress. I blame MK on that part. I was happy to sit outside where there weren't many people, but MK pointed to an empty table, towards the back of the restaurant, where I can only assume, all the lovey dovey couples go, as only those tables were lit with candlelight. MK asked me after we sat down whether I felt weird being the only Guy-Guy couple in the restaurant, and I straight out told him that i felt extremely awkward and weirded out. To my surprise, he said he was completely fine with it... ..

You know its pretty strange that I find it extremely awkward being in situations like that in public. It's like when im in public i automatically put on a more manly demenour and become this straight-acting guy not daring to do anything that is remotely gay related.

Oh and a random fact i'll throw in... i find it extremely weird to be talking with a girl about hot guys.. it just doesn't feel right. I can chat with a guy about other guys no probs, but put a girl into that eqution and all that results is awkwardness. So as it stands, I can talk about hot girls with girls, but just not talk guys with girls.. i hope i make sense...

So yeah, we didn't do much after dinner. just drove around for a bit and then he dropped me off again. He suggested we go to the valley (clubbing) but I said the only place i want to go right now is to bed. lolz how lame am i.

PS.... MK is a college friend of mine. He's str8 btw..

Firstly I just want to give a big shout out to Ron for mentioning me in his previous post. And secondly thankyou to those people who commented on my blog and for the new followers.

Im not really sure what this blog post is really going to be about but i thought i'd share a clip i found on youtube. Its got clips from the movie "Stardust" dubbed with the song Star to Fall by Cabin Crew. - One of my fav movies and my fav song of all time.

If you have seen the movie before, you should definitely try and get a copy of it and watch it! Its a really well done movie with a great story line and doesn't go overboard with CGI effects.



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LOL funniest thing ever!!!



mmmm guy in the white singlet...

So after an agonizing wait of almost a year, i've managed to find myself a part time job. Should i be embarrassed that I was jumping around in joy when i found out i've now got a position at a supermarket? lolz.

I guess now thats one less thing i have to worry about and get depressed over. I hate that word. Depressed, depressing, depression.. Maybe i should call it Super massive big hunk of yellowy happiness. So whenever i feel sad or down or watever, I'll picture this instead...



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A few notes i jotted down in my notebook:

1) When you're feeling lonely, go out there and give of yourself during this lonely time. Giving yourself will let you contribute to a greater cause and will allow you to know more about yourself!

2) Be at peace with your loneliness. Take the time to reflect on your positives. If there aren't any, create some.

3) Society is a good scapegoat, but all these issues are yours to deal with - you decide how the world is, and then react against it, without questioning whether you were right in the first place. A lot of issues you think up could all be non-issues.

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Today is like the most beautiful day EVER. Not a cloud in the sky and even better, its HEAPS windy. I like windy days, because it makes me feel like i'm flying through the sky. Free.

Its a pity that i'll be stuck in doors doing uni work. by myself. urgh..

I don't see the point of anything anymore. I'm so worthless and useless. Im so messed up and I don't even know where to start. I can't understand myself and I refuse to believe the things that I do know about myself. I give for all the wrong reasons, and have a terrible problem with not being able to take criticism. I crave attention and I have to make everything about me all the time. I have so many flaws and I keep telling myself that I'll change but I never do. Why do I keep telling myself that I'm the victim? Nothing makes sense to me. It hasn't made any sense for a while. Nothing seems to be getting better. I'm ashamed and embarrassed of myself, and I'm too stubborn to seek help or do anything about it. Im so selfish and demand of others what I'm unwilling to do myself. I take many of the things in my life for granted and don't show any appreciation for what i have. Im so screwd up in the head. What exactly is my place in this world? What am I supposed to live for? What is the meaning behind anything? I just don't get it. I don't understand.

In a couple of hours, I'll be another full year older. Another year gone by. Another year in which I should have grown both physically and emotionally. Another year to reminisce and reflect upon. In complete honesty, I don't feel as if there have been any major changes in my life in the last year. I can't seem to bring myself to remember a single highlight of that past year. It just all seems like a big blur. It just went so fast and I never took the opportunity to slow down a bit and just take everything in. To experience life and enjoy the small things, listen to the sounds, enjoy the various sights, embrace what's all around me. And I think back on it and I feel as if I've wasted an opportunity, and not taken full advantage of what the past year has offered me. I've been fixated on an 'ideal' reality and never really paid much attention to what was really going on around me. In a sense I was blinded by my predilection for a fantasy world. So a year has gone by, and I haven't really grown any smarter or wiser.

But if I delve a bit deeper and it's only then that I'm able to comprehend how much I've actually gone through and how much I've learnt in the last year. In the last year, I've applied for and been rejected by far to many employers. I've realised that life isn't an easy task. You put yourself forward, you get knocked back by obstacles and impediments. You feel as if as if you've come to the end of the line and that there's just no place else to go. The sinking feeling. Crawling back into the shelter of darkness. But then there's always that light that emanates from the darkness and from there I pick myself up, put the pieces back together again and realise that i've lived through it. And that although things haven't gone the way that i've wanted it to go, I still have another chance.

Over the last year, I've experienced emotional lows and borderline depression. It doesn't seem like much but from simply writing down the rollercoaster that is my life, and taking the time to think about and reflect upon myself, my circumstances and my emtions, i've begun to understand a lot more about myself. By no means is my journey complete, but at least there has been a start.

I hope for the coming year that I'll learn from my past experiences and mistakes and be able to become a wiser person, who is more in tune with myself, and my surroundings.

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Happy Birthday to me

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