Empty Spaces

There is something wrong with me. I can't get to sleep. For the last couple of years I've been taking either sleeping pills ( One time it ended up with me in hospital) or those herbal sleep aid things. My doctor has now refused to give me anymore sleep medicine as he thinks i'm becoming reliant on them. Okay fair enough. But the fact i can't get to sleep is making me physically ill. I never feel satisfied the next morning. I always feel tired. My mind is always blurred. I can't study, I can't learn. It really sucks. It literally feels like my head is going to explode. I've also got mild hypertension. And no, its not genetics because I've had my family tested and the only one is me.

When i do eventually fall asleep though, I keep getting these recurring dreams. Where either my teeth crumble into my hands, or my hair falls out. Its really disturbing.
I googled it and found some of these explanations:

Hair Falling Out
Since hair is commonly associated with power, dreaming of loosing hair is often an indicator that we feel like our energy is being drained away. Like tooth loss dreams there is often an accompanying feeling of helplessness that comes with dreams of hair loss. And like tooth loss dreams, hair loss dreams may point to feeling powerless to change a situation. If you dream of loosing hair, look at you life and see if there are relationships or situations which are energy drainers.

Teeth Falling Out
Dreaming that your teeth are falling out is one of the many common anxiety dreams. You may dream that your teeth are crumbling in your hands or that your teeth are falling out one by one with just a light tap. Such dreams are horrifying and shocking. So what does it mean?
One theory is that dreams about your teeth reflect your anxiety about your appearance and how others perceive you. These dreams may also be a fear of your sexual impotence, powerlessness or even getting old. Alternatively, you may fear being embarrassed in some specific situation. These dreams are an over-exaggeration of your worries and anxiety.

I admit, I do feel my situation is extremely energy draining, and that I'm helpless and can't do anything about it. I have a fear of being embarrassed or making a fool of myself. I worry too much about what people will think of me.

---

Last night I had this dream, where I was in my room. It was late at night. My brother had just come back and for some reason he was out in the backyard walking around the house, probably coming in through the back door so that he wouldn't wake anyone. But then he walks pass my window and peers through. For some reason I have images of naked men on my computer screen. I run over to close the curtains, but he's already seen it. "Why are you watching gay porn?" he questions me. I try to deny it, and run over to the screen and turn it off. The power button isn't working. So i pull the monitor down so its laying flat on my table. "What are you trying to hide?" he asks me. "Nothing!" i replied. He sticks his head through the window and shines a flash light at me, and I realise that I'm naked. I tell him to get out and no matter how much i push him, he's still there.

And thats when I feel my teeth crumbling. My mouth is bleeding badly and all my teeth fall out into my hands. I'm covered in blood. I have no idea what to do. I start crying.

Then I woke up.

---

These dreams aren't one offs. They keep constantly recurring. I don't know how to stop them.

I had the worst night sleep last night. I was feeling pretty down and it was freaking cold. I really need to get a new doona, at least one that will keep in some form of heat. I was pretty much shivering the whole night.

------

I have no idea why we were there, but I had convinced TN to come out with me to the city. He was there with me, but I just had this feeling that he didn't want to be there. We were going to go on a tour of a milk factory. The Parmalat factory in Southbank to be precise. Don't ask me why we'd do that though. The factory is located pretty much on the edge of the river.

TN & I are walking along the edge of the river, when I notice a red dot on my leg. I look around and see nothing. I look down and the red dot has moved up from my leg to my chest. And that was when i noticed, on the other side of the river, a sniper, dressed in camo with his sniper rifle aimed at me.

I grabbed TN by the arm and told him to run. As we ran I lost grip of him. I turned back and he's dissappeared. I don't know what to do, so I just keep running, before jumping over a fence into a residential yard, and hiding behind some shrubs. From behind the shrub i could see a group of men, dressed in black walking along the side walk in front of the house. One of them turns to where I am and points my way, before saying something into his collar mounted microphone. Another guy pulls out a gun from his jacket and fires several shots my way. I freak out and just bolt. I jump over the back fence. Behind the houses is a concrete spillway or drain. So i jump down into that and run through the dark pipes.

I eventually emerge from a manhole onto a deserted street. Theres noone around me. All of a sudden I see bullets flying my way from all directions. I drop to the ground, and then crawl my way behind a telephone booth, before jumping into a patch of tall grass. Across the street I notice a car. I thought to myself this could be my getaway. It was a Yellow mazda SP23. I made a run for it, but when I get to the car, its no longer a SP23. Its a yellow 626. Okay i thought, this will still do. I look around again, and I see all these men in black walking out of the houses towards me. SHIT. I try to open the door. But to my surprise when i turn back, its no longer a 626. It's a go kart. Oh god i thought. Still better than nothing. As i jumped into, i realised it wasn't a go kart i was in anymore. I was sitting in a cardboard box.

I was as good as dead. I burst into tears. I jumped out of the box and just ran. Ran in no particular direction. To no particular destination. I just ran. and ran. and ran. until my legs gave out and i collapsed on the road. I looked back and all i could see was the light from a dozen or more laser pointers aimed at my head.

I woke up.

Seriously. Since dinner, I've had this on my mind the whole night. I can't get it out of my head and its making me feel rather depressed. My sister's bf came back to visit, and we went out to dinner, with another friend of his and his gf. While in the restaurant, they started talking about politics, migration, xenophobia, and eventually the topic turned to homophobia and gay people in general.

They said so many horrible things. Really degrading and a lot of it was stereotypes and completely unfounded. I'm not going to repeat anything they said, but it was really hurtful. The whole time I just sat there. After hearing those things, I just didn't want to be associated with them anymore. I wished I wasn't there. I guess I don't really act 'gay' so they probably didn't know any better. If only they knew though. Part of me wanted to tell them right then and there. Just so they knew how much damage they were doing by saying those things.

To make things worse, they were really loud and obnoxious. I'm sure most of the people in the place heard what they were talking about.

It's times like this that I wished I didn't have a life, because honestly there's nothing to live for.

Dear Peter

I haven't known you for a long time. But I feel like I have. I revealed to you a lot about me that I've never been able to tell anyone else. You were like a best friend that I never had. We understood each other. And you did the same with me. We haven't known each other for a very long time. But it seems like we have. You made me understand. You made me see a different perspective. I never had the chance to thank you.

You taught me that I am my own person. I am able to make my own decisions. I should lead my own life, not the life envisioned for me by others. Do you remember when you asked me why I was so afraid of telling my family? I told you that I didn't want to lose the only people in my life that make me happy. The only love that I have in my life. You told me that if they really did love me, they would accept who I was and love me unconditionally. You said that although it might take them time, that they would never abondon me. That they would never leave me alone. Being alone. My biggest fear. You made me see that it was all in my head, and that my irrational fear of being alone had trapped me, consumed me and made me unable to break out. You told me that the biggest barrier I faced was not from them, but the one I put up myself. Now I see. For this I want to thankyou.

You nudged me out of my comfort zone, when we broke the ice with that girl in the mall. You made me realise that if I always sat back and waited, that possibly nothing would come my way. If it wont come to me, then I must go and find it myself. You have shown me that the world was not out to get me. That to reach a destination, I had to make my own roads. That anything was possible with the right attitude. I was living in a dream world. Making unrealistic assumptions, thinking extraordinarily illogical thoughts. You brought me back to the real world. Thank you.

You were a perfect gentleman. Not once did you make me feel uneasy. I was comfortable around you. You made me feel like i was worth something. You showed interest in what I had to say. When I told you that I was a virgin, and that I had never had a relationship with anyone before. I expected you to laugh. Perhaps make fun of me. Like most people probably would. You weren't like most people. You respected me, and told me that in my own time, I would find what I'm looking for. Remember when we were at the coffee shop? You made me look like a fool when I tried to pay for my drink that you'd already paid for. I felt silly, but it was really sweet of you. You never let me thank you.

Can you recall when we were in that park? I had never been there before. You said you hadn't either. But that was a good thing right? Because it meant we could go exploring. It was a big park wasn't it? So many trees, and rather quite secluded. So many mosquitoes too! It was funny, thinking about it now, two guys, in the middle of the woods, slapping mosquitoes off each other. I enjoyed it. I felt like a child again. Do you remember layin on our backs on the grass looking up into the emptiness that was the sky? You asked me what I was thinking about. I told you that I wasn't thinking of anything. But I lied. Secretly, I was thinking of you. We went for a walk. And then you stopped, and appeared to be staring at something. You were leaning up against a tree that looked strangely like the letter Y. Do you remember when I asked you what you were thinking? You told me nothing. I took your word for it.

You then asked me to come over. Then you kissed me. My first kiss. I was so nervous. My heart was racing, my blood was pumping and my hands were trembling. I'm sure you knew. We were standing there, kissing, standing on opposite sides through the gap of where the tree split into two. You whispered in my ear "how was your first kiss?". I never did answer. You asked me again to come around. I was standing there, and you came up behind me, and wrapped your arms around me. I almost cried. Tears of happiness. Noone had ever hugged me like that before. Any trace of loneliness within me had vaporized. I felt loved. I felt protected.

When you drove me back. You didn't say a single word. As I left to catch my bus, you hugged me. You told me to text you everyday. You asked me to keep in touch.....And so I did.

But you never replied. You never answered your phone. You never came on online anymore.

You were like a beacon of light. You showed me hope. You made me realise my worth.

But then you took it all back again. You took my virginity. You left me alone.

We hadn't known each other for very long. I thought I knew you. But i was wrong. Naive.

Jay

It had been almost 15minutes that Jay had been waiting outside Myers, where he had agreed to meet Peter. A million things were running through his mind. "Have I been stood up? Should I call him? Oh God I hope I'm not at the wrong place. What if I am at the wrong place? Am I too early? Do I look alright? Maybe I shouldn't have worn this shirt...." He took his phone out of his pocket to check the time. Fifteen-past ten. Fifteen minutes that Jay had been standing alone, out the front of the department store. "Alright..."he thinks to himself, "Perhaps I should message him just to see if something has come up and he cant make it." He picks up his phone again, and starts writing out the first few words of the message. Before he could finish, Jay noticed someone standing beside him. A solid looking fella, a bit taller and quite well built.
Jay immediately closes out the message and puts his phone back into his right pocket.

The stranger looks at Jay and smiles. "Hey. You must be Jay right?" "Err.. Yeah I'm Jay.....Your... early" "Haha I'm sorry dude, traffic was pretty bad. Well it's nice to meet you. Wanna go get a coffee or something?" "Sure, that would be good. But.. I'm not much of a coffee person though. I'll just have what you're having?" "No Probs!"

The initial meet up was not nearly as awkward as Jay had envisioned. He had been imagining all sorts of scenarios that would end up horribly wrong. But for a change things were going quite smoothly. The two chatted for a while, until Peter asked Jay if he had told anyone or come out to anyone yet. "No I haven't. I'm really afraid of what might happen if I did. I don't know how my friends and family would react. But I feel so trapped because of it."

"Do what i do, its on a need to know basis." replied Peter. "it wont improve your life or theirs by telling them so why bother. let them keep their ignorance. It'll only complicate their lives and they dont need that
"Yeah I know."
"Well unless of course you want to tell them"
"It's not so much i WANT to tell them. It's just that I feel really guilty. It's kind of hard for me to explain."
"I wouldnt tell mine," said Peter, "As they say, let sleeping dogs lye. But thats just me, and you are your own man".
"Well i guess I'm just concerned with what people would think of me if they found out." explained Jay.
"Dont be to open about it, and if it comes to that, cross that bridge when you get there. That's probalby the best thing to do."

There was a moment of silence before Peter asked "Hey, are you alright Jay?"
"yeah I'm fine. Thanks. Why do you ask?"
"Cool. You sounded a bit worried that's all"
"Nah im okay. Im just a bit confused about myself thats all."
"I know wat that feels like" replied Peter, "I tried to change in the beginning but no matter what i did i couldnt change how i felt, thats just me for better or worse. such is life"
"Yeah. That's pretty much the reason why joined up with that online site. If you can't repress the feelings, why not embrace it and see where things lead"
"That was me as well," added Peter, "and i decided that it would be a pretty bleak life if i spent the whole time pretending to be someone im not."
"Yeah exactly," commented Jay.

"You said you were random and spontaneous yeah?" asked Peter
"well i guess. When im in the mood that is." replied Jay
"How about now?"
"Why what do you have planned?"
"Nothing! Thats why its spontaneous. If you had everything planned, it wouldn't be random or spontaneous anymore would it?"
"I guess your right"
"Lets go for a drive."
"Where too?" asked Jay
"Everywhere, and anywhere I guess. No real destination"
"I guess it won't hurt"

For an hour they drove aimlessy around, through suburbs they've never been to before, and past landmarks they'd never heard of. It had been such a long time since Jay had ever been able to speak so freely about anything and everything to someone else. He felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. It was the most cliche thing ever, but thats just how he felt. For once in his life he was able to think clearly, and have a proper conversation. Although he had only known Peter for less than half a day, Jay felt that it was a start of a good friendship to come, and never regretted skipping his biggest day at uni. Peter was a nice guy. He had his head screwed on, had ambitions and was respectful. His sense of self-confidence was an alluring charm. He had given Jay so much to think about as well as a lot of good advice.

They had driven a fair way out. Jay had no idea where they were. "Hey theres a park up ahead. Did you want to stop there and have a bit of a breather?" asked Peter. "Yeah sure, if you want" replied Jay timidly. "Come on man, I'm not going to stop unless you want to. You can't just do what I want to do. Or what everyone else wants. Don't you have an opinion of your own? What do you want to do?" Jay was taken aback. But Peter was right. For most of his life, Jay had always been somewhat submissive. He never really had his own opinions, sometimes to avoid conflict, other times because he just wasn't that confident and so thought his opinions weren't worthy of being aired. What Peter had just said to Jay was like an awakening. Noone had ever said that to Jay before. Noone had ever made him feel as if his opinions mattered. Jay sat there, without saying a word.

"So whats it gonna be" asked Peter. "Yeah. You know what? Lets stop. It'd be good to get a bit of fresh air. Not to mention save you a bit of fuel" replied Jay with a sense of enthusiasm. "Great! Thats what I wanted to hear" exclaimed Peter. "Wow what is this place?" Jay enquired, "Looks more like a forest or something, not a park". "Yeah it does, doesn't it? Want to go explore?" "Haha you bet!"

Part 3

Peter and Jay had only known each other for a few hours. I guess you could call them friends. Well internet friends at least. Jay had a secret. He never told anyone about it. Well sort of. He may have told Luke and Larissa. But they probably didn't take it seriously. Jay liked guys. At least he thought he did. Because of this secret, he found it hard to make friends, or to be around people, as he felt as if he was consumed by this secret and that he could never really be himself around others. He felt untruthful. After several years at uni, Peter was Jay's attempt at finally stepping out of the dark hole that he was in.

And so the conversation started with:

Jay: how are you?
Peter: good man. u ?
Jay: not too bad. just a bit cold atm
Peter: its like that tonight
Peter: wats ur name if u dont mind me asking
Jay: Jay
Peter: im peter as u have no doubt guessed
Jay: haha yeh
Peter: so wat brings u here
Jay: i dunno really . i guess i just wanted to discover myself a bit more
Peter: good answer i like it
Jay: make some friends i guess
Peter: thats always an upside
Jay: haha yeh. how about you?
Peter: same thing really, you stole my answer

Peter and Jay were the same age, and surprisingly they both had quite a bit in common. After a few hours chatting, they had formed a kind of friendship. They felt they could tell each other things that you wouldn't normally tell a complete stranger. They talked about what they did, where they were from, sexuality and other things. Jay was a student whereas Peter was working in security attempting to save up enough to come back to uni.

Peter: all the best things in life are shared with others, it all good and well to own a ferrari but if there is no one to gork at you as u drive past then there is no excitement in ti for u
Jay: yeh exactly. I enjoy the simple things in life. i like being random and spontaneous
Peter: best things in life are free
Jay: haha yup. like mid night walks :P
Peter: oh yeah. or riding a scooter though a westfield fun fun
Jay: lol! or that too

It was getting late, and Jay had class the next day.

Peter: u still there ?
Jay: yeh sorry im a bit slow atm. just a bit tired and just reading my lecture notes for tomorrow
Peter: lucky u
Jay: me? lucky? pfft. lol
Peter: so you going to uni 2moro?
Jay: yeah 6 hours straight tomorrow !!!
Peter: i bet u can hardly wait
Jay: lol. well if im so lucky , what are you up to tomorrow then
Peter: nothing day off
Jay: haha nice wanna swap?
Peter: u could always skip uni and come hang out with me
Jay: haha that'd be cool
Peter: u know im serious right
Jay: serious?
Peter: yeah if u want to hang out we can. hang out and have fun or six hours of lectures, the choice is yours

Jay's heart was pounding at this point. He didn't know what to do. His head was telling him "NO. You've got class tomorrow", yet his heart was telling him "Yes, go for it!". After about what seemed like an eternity, Jay made up his mind. Uni will just have to wait. Jay now had a date. His first date EVER. He was so nervous yet he was really looking forward to it. He could barely sleep that night.

Part 2