How to Arrange Everything inside a Big Closet?
8 years ago
Not a lot going on tbh. First week of uni, and my time table is pretty fukd. Too much free time in between classes. But i guess it'll give me time to actually do some study.
I really need to be applying for graduate roles right now. But i'm so sick of getting turned down i don't even know if i should bother anymore. It's disheartening.
My first day at uni today... well i can't really say day because I was only there for 2 hours in the evening. Just as I was at the bus stop about to board my bus, I get a phone call from MK asking me if I wanted to go see Inception tonight with some others. We were meeting up at JN's place which was only like 10mins walk away from uni, so I said yeah and that I'd meet him there. JN is a mutual friend, and I've known him since 2006 since we both lived at college together.
It was a good opportunity to catch up with people, especially those I haven't seen for a while, but I sort of felt dissapointed that I wasn't invited by JN himself, since it was his idea to get together. Instead I was invited by MK who was invited by JN. I don't think JN meant anything by it, but it does make me wonder where i stand, as a friend, if I'm forgotten for something as simple as catchin a movie.
I went on the city cat for the first time in a while as well. It's my FAVOURITE form of public transport. The Brisbane river and surroundings are beautiful at night. What made it even better was that many foudn it too cold to stand out the front so I had the whole front deck to myself. :-P If it weren't for my phobia of doing something stupid in public, i would have raised my arms up and shouted "I'm the king of the world" ala Titanic.
We saw Inception at South Bank and I have to say it was a great movie. It plays with the concept of dreams, and the sub-conscience, and the idea of 'dream sharing'. It's really mind boggling and it does call into play the question of "is this REALLY reality, or is it simply a dream world?". Even before I saw this movie, there have been so many occasions where I've said to myself that I'm living in a dream world, and that one day I'll wake up. Sometimes I've been tempted to do really stupid, sometimes extremely dangerous things because of the little thought in my head that this could be just a figment of my imagination, and that everyone i know and see are just projections. It's that little idea in your head, that grows into something out of control. Hence the title of the movie, "Inception". I'm glad I haven't taken the leap of faith, and done something stupid. Whether its a dream world or not, I do not know, but I'm happy for the good times I've had.
After the movie ended, we all disbanded pretty quickly because we all had to take different routes back home. I have to take the train back, while some others took the city cat, and buses. I got on at South Brisbane station, and took a train to Roma St where I had to transfer onto the Ipswich line to get to my stop. At Roma St, There was a train 2mins before mine, and for some stupid reason, I hopped on that one, which took me back to South Brisbane, WHERE I STARTED FROM, resulting in me missing the last train on the Ipswich line. argh.. >.<
I wasnt quite sure what to do - no more buses, trains or citycat back to where I live. The only other options were walking back, which would have taken at least 2-3 hours, or Taxi. I got a cab back and struck up a convo with the driver and told him about how i missed the last train back. I was surprised because he stopped the meter well before he had reached the destination. He stopped it at $20, but it could have easily gotten to $25 or even $30. I guess it pays to be friendly to cab drivers. Either that or he just felt sorry for my stupid misfortunes.
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Oh i forgot to mention, if dream sharing were real, i don't think anyone would want to share my dreams. They're so random, crazy, and psychotic. Theres only been a few times where i've been able to control my dreams, (i think i might have posted about one time) and on a few occasions I've had dreams within dreams.
I've always thought I was crazy but I find that I study better in my dreams - call it 'dreamstudy' if you will. For example, say I've read a chapter of a text book, or a sheet of formulas; I can keep going over and over it while awake, but its like nothing sticks. It all goes in, and then goes out and I dont keep anythign in memory. But if i 'dreamstudy' and revise in my dreams, over and over and over, when i wake up, I suddenly know what i've been trying to revise. Its crazy, mental even, but for some odd reason it works - assuming im able to start the dream.
anyway im tired so off to bed.
PPS. i want someone to cuddle. it gets so cold at night and my doona is grossly inadequate.
1) Awkward silences aren't really awkward. They are more like "nothing needs to be said" moments
2) We sit together on the sand, at a deserted beach, at night, listening to the beautiful ocean sounds basked in nothing but candle light
3)You walk with me, with no particular destination in mind
4) We cuddle in an empty train carriage, awaiting our station
5) We agree to watch a movie that neither of us like, in am empty theatre, just so we can be together
6) We take the scenic route, even though it means we will have to drive further
7) You lay beside me, in an empty field, gazing up at the stars above. We are holding hands
8) Together we watch the sun rise, from the highest peak we can climb to
9) We watch the sunset from golden sands of a deserted beach
10) If i gave you the key to my heart, would you turn the key?
I just got back from work and no matter how hard I scrub, I can't get my hands clean. I've been at work since 6am this morning. Like the day before, it was all manual labour. The weather was pretty crappy, but it cleared up during the day which was alright.
We had some new workers come in today, but there were non-english speaking, and I had to show them around and how to do the work. It was extremely frustrating, because they didn't know what i was saying, and I didn't understand what they were trying to say either. I'm like the worst person when it comes to explaining things, so naturally it was even worse me trying to explain to them using gestures. I've got really bad body language so I may have confused them more than teaching them. Ah well. Day's over.
I've got 4 more days left at home, and the closer it gets to the day I have to leave for school again, the slightly more depressed I'm getting. Although it can be a bit hectic at home, I'm gonna miss it. What i liked about this particular trip home was that it was actually calm, serene and quite cruisey. In normal circumstances, these words are far from what actually goes on at home. Usually its commontion, banter, conflict, anger and a thousand other synonyms for unpleasant. I realise how fragile the balance of life is at home. I wonder if them knowing about 'me' will make things all the worser. A part of me thinks " i don't care what anyone else thinks", but the other half sends out repressive thoughts, thoughts that reaffirm my belief that my family will never be ready to accept me for who and what I am.
In 4 days time, I'll be on a plane. Probably seated in the rows either from 17 - 20, sitting at a window seat. Contemplating what the next semester holds for me. I keep telling myself that this semester is going to be the one where I get a Dean's commednation for high achievement. This semester is the one that I'm going to ace. The one i'm going to be prepared for. I tell myself these things all the time. I set myself high standards, but then in the end I always confide in myself that those standards were unrealistic and accept the usual poor results i achieve, and in those results evaluate my self worth.
I make promises to myself that I'll be more sociable. Try and hang out with people more often. But usually after the first couple of weeks back at uni, I forget those promises. When i make promises to others, I keep them to my grave, yet when i make promises to myself, i break them all the time. I really hate this aspect of myself.
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At work today I was chatting with mum, and somehow we got to the subject of infidelity and premarital sex. I was horrified to learn that mum was strongly against premarital sex - she went on to tell me that it brought dishonor and shame to the family. She also mentioned some other really grewsome punishments that i won't mention. I don't understand her at all. At times she seems so forgiving and accepting, and then BAM she says all this other stuff that makes me think otherwise. I wonder what she'd think of homosexuliaty/bisexuality? Would that bring shame and dishonour to the family?
I read this quote somewhere before, and this pretty much sums up my feelings: "Those who matter are those who don't care. Those who don't matter are those who care"
So in this sense, who really cares about shame and dishonour, when those who are most likely to look down upon us are those who really don't matter? If those who really matter don't care, then wouldn't shame and dishonour be non-existant? So why should we live our lives to please those who have nothing to do with us?
I'm really going to miss driving around when I'm back in brissy. I hate public transport. :-( I'm also going to have to start my job hunting again. Not only for graduate roles, but also a casual job so i can make a bit of $$$ for myself.
I suck at blogging. I dont really think any of my posts have any flow at all. I jump from topic to topic without even the courtesy of a poorly written segue. But i guess it doesn't really matter cos noone reads this anyway, and my only intentions for this blog was for me to be able to brain dump. So i guess its all good then....
Anyway I best be off to find something more constructive to do.
PS.. i need to learn how to close my posts in a better way
Oh man my entire body is sore as. I was at the farm helping mum out. Apparently it was a lesson that i needed to learn. You know, those types of lessons that start out with "back in the old days....".
She made me help her plant like 2 acres worth of rice and corn crops. All by hand. Ouch. Apparently us kids have to too good nowadays and we don't realise how much sweat, and human effort goes into producing the stuff we take for granted. It wasn't until then that i realised how much stuff she actually has growing here - we've got 3 different varieties of bananas, coconuts, mandarins, jack fruits, herbs like coriander, dill, basil, mint, shallots, spring onions, veggies - spinach, bok choy, cucumbers, melons, watermelons, beans, snow peas, corn, rice, taro, ginger, galangal, tumeric, bamboo....heck and these are just some of the things i know of, im sure there are plenty of other stuff too. Oh she's got chickens too.
Mum said that when she was a child, they had to produce everything they ate. And everythin was done by hand. She wanted me to experience what she experienced, in order to open up my eyes and realise that we shouldn't take life for granted and be grateful for all the luxuries we have now. I asked her why she grew all these things when she could just go and buy them and she told me that its because it reminds her of the past - my parents had a pretty rough early life - and because the pain she has to go through makes her a better person.
For me? - Lesson learnt. not that i ever did take things for granted.
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Last night i had a dream. Not quite sure why, but recently my dreams have been of people who I used to know, but haven't seen in quite a long time. I used to have a friend called ...hmm lets call him Max. Max and i were in a few classes together and we got along really well. I haven't seen nor talked to him since the end of highschool which has been like almost 5 years. But for some reason he's in my dream.
For a reason unknown to me, he asks if we can swap our phones for a day. Im reluctant to do it, because i have some erm.. quite inappropriate pics and videos on there which i don't want anyone else to see, especially not him. I tell him no, but before i knew it he's already got my phone, and when i reach down into my pocket, i find that i've already got his.
Im freaking out and I dont know what to do. "Please whatever you do, don't open my pictures or videos. please!!! I beg of you!!"
Now why the fuck would you say that?!!! OMG its like if you tell someone NOT to do something, isnt' it obvious that that's the first thing they'll do?
and then i woke up.
Moral of the story - I really need to delete all the nudey pics and vids of guys off my phone before someone sees them.
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