Empty Spaces

so finally the affects of the last 4 drinks i had are hitting me.

kind of late though....i felt nothing while i was out tonight and now that im home, the alcohol decides to kick in...

gahh....

sleep time.

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Don't call my name don't call my name Alejandro
Im not your babe, im not your babe, Fernando...

Damn this lady Gaga song is addictive.

That my posts are too long..

We're getting a new phone line connected in our apartment. Apparently it has already been activated but there's no dial tone coming through, so I rang up Telstra and they told me that they'll send out a technician. Noone else is free today, so I skipped my classes so that there'd be someone around when the technician arrives.

So the situation is, my housemates are all out of the house and wont be back until later tonight, and im just sitting around waiting for the technician to come.

A while late he shows up and i let him in, and he gets to work. Since i had nothing else to do i sat around watching him work on the line.

I think he may have noticed me watching and then turns around, smiles and says, "you like what you see don't you?". He gets up and walks towards me and before i could say or do anything he pulls me towards him and starts kissing me. I was surprised at first, but then i got into it as well. We caressed each other and eventually we were both down to just our underwear. At this point i hear the door open and the technicians younger apprentice (around my age) walks in and has a sheepish grin on his face. But to my surprise he takes off his shirt and pants and walks towards me and starts grinding with me.

So there i am, in the living room, with two hot guys, one older and one younger fooling around. Things start getting hot and i find myself being bottom for the younger tech while giving head to the older tech.

Then all of a sudden my MUM walks in the door and screams. "What the hell is going on here!"

We all just froze and then panicked. I grabbed whatever clothes i could and just tried to cover myself up as good as i could, while the two techs grabbed their gear and ran out to their van - all the while mum is standing there speechless.

I've never been so embarrassed, guilty or felt so much shame in my entire life. At that point i didn't feel like living at all - if there had been a cliff close by i think i may have jumped off.

"I can't believe you! How could you! How could you do this to us! Say something! Im your mother!!" she scolds me.

I'm completely speechless and the only thing i can do is cry. Im naked in my living room, only covered with whatever clothes i could grab at the time. I sit there in complete misery and feeling like such an idiot for letting this happen.

She continues with her speel, letting me know how much of an ebarrasment i am to her, and how i've brought shame upon the family and that she never intended for me to turn out this way and if she had known she would never have given birth to me.

All i could say was that i was sorry. The last thing she said to me was that she wishes i could give back all the loving and care that she'd ever given me, because i wasn't worthy of any of it. At this point she storms out.

That was probably the lowest i had ever been in my entire life. To be told by your own mother that you were worthless and was nothing more than an embarrassment to the family. I wanted to die. I wanted to just fade away into the darkness. I sat there, alone and naked, crying at myself - about how i probably was worthless, and an embarrassment, and how i had let my family down.

Then i woke up - with tears down my face literally - i had been crying in my sleep. I was fucking relieved when i realised that i had dreamed up the entire moment. But what really shocked me the most was how mum had been portrayed in my dream - honestly in my heart i really thought if i ever were to come out, mum would be the most supportive. But she was the complete opposite of that.

I guess this dream also may have stemmed from my fear of unintentionally being outed to my friends and family.

Something similar has happened in the past. I haven't told anyone about it though :-( its pretty personal and really embarassing for me. I had some gay porn on my phone, like full on hardcore vids. I usually had it on a separate memory card which i stored behind the back cover of my phone but i had forgotten to take it out and replace it with my regular memory card. I was outside washin the car and i had my phone on the dining table.

Later on i hear some laughing coming from inside, so i go in, only to find that my little brother has my phone in his hand, with gay porn playing. I grab the phone off him and yell "what the hell are you doing with my phone!" and he replies "are you gay? im gonna tell on you" and runs off into his bedroom. I turn my phone off and go back to washing the car.

Later when my parents are back, sure enough my little brother spills it to them. And the little bastard actually took my memory card from my phone and put it into his to show the 'evidence'.

I tried to cover myself by saying that some idiot guys sent it to me at uni - that people at lectures randomly send out crap like that as jokes through bluetooth to any device that has their bluetooth on. And besides, if i were gay, why would i leave my phone on, in the dining room, for anyone to access?

They were partially convinced, and never spoke of it after that. But when i flew back down to study after the break, my sister asked me several times whether i was gay or not, and that dad really wanted to know. WTF if dad wanted to know why didn't he just call me instead? why does he have to call you to ask me?

It really annoyed me, she hounded me for a while and made fun of me for having gay porn on my phone. I denied it all, but seriously it really affected me whenever she mentioned it. She even mentions it amongst her friends - its like she doesn't realise how much embarrassment it places on me. And the ironic thing is that although i've denied being gay and such, i probably am gay. so everytime she brings it up, it makes me feel really bad. And i can't do anythign about it because then it pretty much contradicts what i've told her earlier. Her way of putting it is if your not gay, then why are you embarrassed about it? You said it was sent to you as a joke right?

True story re: the gay porn on the phone. Stupid nokia and not having passwords on entering the filebrowser - this is why i stick with samsung phones. you can password protect pretty much everything.

Although noone talks about it now, im pretty sure my little brother KNOWS im gay. Everytime im home he'll put in little gay innuendos whenever he talks to me. My sister asked mum "what would u do if he WAS really gay?" and apparently mum said "...it's up to him". I overheard that conversation.. they didn't think i was there.

But still, i think most of my family are all pretty homophobic because they say some really terrible stuff towards gay people. Especially my brother and dad. My sister and her bf makes fun of gay people all the time as well. It makes me feel really bad, and just further reinforces my decision NOT to come out at all.

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So news in life....

yesterday was stupid. The friend i was supposed to meet with didn't end up coming because he said he was really behind in study for an exam he has. I had two classes that day with a 2 hour break in between, where we were sposed to have hung out. instead i sat in the library after my first class. In a last minute decision, i decided that i didn't want to stay for the last class, so i went to the bus stop, only to have JUST missed the bus. I was so pissed off because the next bus would arrive the same time my last class started. I wasn't really in the mood for class anymore so i sat there and waited

Got home later and just crashed in my room.

thats what they said to me when i went to see a movie with a mate of mine. This was about 1 and a half years back. He never really got along with many people. He was younger, pretty lippy, and made fun of people a lot. But for some stupid reason, him and i got along well. I didn't get offended when he made fun of me, i dont know why. maybe i just acknowledge that that was how we was, and that he probably didnt' mean it. I don't think he really meant anythign though... he just seemed to take his jokes a little to far sometimes.

Lets call him JM. I met JM through another friend of mine from when i was still living on campus. The semester after i met him, i found out he had moved into the place i was staying at as well and was living on the floor below me. He made friends pretty quickly but he also seemed to alienate himself from everyone else because of his personality. Everyone said he was annoying, obnoxious and belittling and most of them got sick of him. I do admit he was annoying, he was obnoxious, and he was belittling at times, but the more i hung out with him, the more i realised that there was a good person in him. He's an only child, living away from home - he was younger than me by 2 years, and he didn't really have any other friends or family down here. So he was in a similar position to me.

He used to play poker together, both in real life and on facebook. :-P i remember stayin up heaps late one night, cheating with him on fb poker. we both were at the same table helpin each other out. t'was fun. we were also DOTA buddies.. (warcraft 3 custom map for those who don't know). Another stupid thing we did was play Onimusha 3 for almost 3 days straight. Pretty silly thing to do cos we had hardly no sleep at all and skipped a lot of classes, but it was good, cos we did ending finishing it :-)

I was dissapointed when he told me that he was transferring to a different uni, which was like about 1500km away. the couple of weeks before he left, he was had been busy packing, and sorting things out so we didnt get a chance to hang out much. But on the night before he left, we went to see a movie - 30 days of night (an awesome vampire movie - much better than twilight ;-) ). I thought nothing of it. its what friends do right? we hang out, have fun etc.

The next day though after he left i remember my 'friends' all makin fun of me. saying stuff like "oh how was your date with JM last night?" or "did you guys make out in the movie?" and someone even said "i heard you slept over JM's ;-)".

I can understand if it was said jokingly, but the fact that it seemed like everyone knew about it, and that everyone snickered about and they obviously talked about it while i wasn't there kind of made me feel like they were mocking me a bit.

I don't know whether it was because they all didn't really like JM and were making fun of me to get at him or whether they did think that there were 'other' intentions for the 'personal' time we had together at the movies.

Why do i even care what they say? was i making a big deal out of nothing? I dunno..But i did feel pretty crap after that. A good friend of mine is moving away, and i only got to hang out with him for a while and everyone makes fun of me for doing so.

In the end though, he ended up giving me like everything that he couldn't take back with him - including his Birthday present i bought for him - a poker set. The fact that he didn't give anything to anyone else made me feel good, and that he really did see me as a friend as well.

People are stupid sometimes. It's their loss that they couldn't see past his sometimes in-your-face personality to see the true person. He was a good guy. And im glad i got to see him for what he was. Noone else really bothered to give him the time of day.

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You know, thinking back through all these years of my life, i've found that the people who i was closest to were those people who everyone else thought was 'weird', 'different' or an 'outcast'. The ones who noone else would notice, or would want to give the time of day.

I dont know if thats a good thing or not, but i did make some good friends out of those people, although often shortlived. :-(


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On another note, i unblocked TN today. Not that i was gonna talk to him, i just usually don't really like blocking ppl. I guess im too nice for my own good sometimes. All afternoon and evening I kept my distance from him and didn't start up any coversation. I noticed that he kept signing in and out of his MSN - to get my attention perhaps? i dunno. but i wasn't going to talk to him either way. about half an hour later he msgs me.

not really about anything important though... just about the launch of the ipad on friday.. i could care less. i told him ipads are lame and that i didn't care.

conversation continued... well it wasn't really a conversation. it was him trying to make a conversation and me just making really short sharp comments, that didn't really provoke further conversation. To be honest, i didn't really feel like talking to him. I was still slightly pissed off at what he said to me yesterday, about the world not revolving around me. Well guess what, the world doesnt' revolve around you either.!!! >.<

I briefly mentioned that Nightmare on Elm Street was out and that i was going to see it sometime im free. It wasn't really an invitation or anything - more of a statement. I doubt he'd want to come anyway. None of the people i know would watch a horror movie - apart from JM, noone's ever come with me to see any movie that was the slightest bit 'scary'. And no one i know seems to be into anythign involving adrenaline - we were at a theme park a couple of years back, and when i asked if anyone wanted to go on the tower of terror or the giant drop with me, everyone chickened out. I guess i just dont' have anything in common with anyone i know. TN simply said "ok..."

he then mentioned "The Losers" coming out on Thursday. I googled the trailor and told him that it didnt' really seem very interesting to me. I didnt' really have anythin else to say to him, and i dont' think he really had anythign to say either so we both left it at that. It was a pretty pointless convo... i could have done without it. because all it did was make me angry and pissed off. pissed off that he didn't want to talk to me yesterday and was rude about it, yet today he suddenly wants to make conversation with me... thats just fucked up.

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im such an emo. im finding that im getting really agitated and even small things seem to affect me. My sister got some anti-depressants recently, because she said she was feeling a bit stressed out from work and uni, and also because her bf, (he used to live with us) had moved away for work. so now she only gets to talk to him occasionaly whenever both of them are free.

I don't know if i should, but i was going to take some of those to see if they'd help, but im kind of hesitant because they've had a few negative side effects on her - loss of appetite, inducing vomiting etc. Would i be allowed to take them? I mean im not depressed right? Or am i? I don't know. And even if i were, i probably wouldn't admit it to myself.

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Anyway I've got uni tomorrow so im gonna head to bed. Lookin forward to tomororw because im meeting up with a friend from college that i used to live with. Just gonna grab some lunch or something, then back to class. I haven't seen him in half a year! oh well tomorrow shall be good.

So i'm on msn talking to a friend of mine. TN is online, but i don't talk to him. He messages me first and we strike up a conversation. after like 5 mins he stops replying to what im saying to him.

Me: gahh... ur so annoying
TN: ??
Me:you keep not answering whats up with that? u busy or something?
TN:no. sorry but the world doesn't revolve around you :P ;)
Me:yeah okay.. like i didn't know that already... u could've at least just said that your busy or doin something or not feel like talkin or watever.

At this point i block him.

You know, physical and metal exhaustion can result in some rather disturbing and particularly fucked up dreams. After staying up doing my presentation script, and then waking up early and having to endure that day, I came home so tired and lethargic. I should've had a nap but I decided against it thinking that it'll only fuck up my sleeping patterns. So I killed some time by random youtubing, watching tv and then later on that evening, i was on msn, keeping a friend company - she was feelin really down because it was the 2nd anniversary of her fathers passing. I stayed up just a little to late, and then told her that i had to go because i was about to pass out from tiredness and that i had a full day of uni in the morning.

So crashed on my bed, and fell asleep immediately. And thats when things got weird.

I was in my bed, by myself in the dark. It was eerily quiet - my apartment is near a busy road and railway so there was always the sounds of trains passing by, or cars driving pass or random idiots hooning up the street. But no, it was just silent. Then all of a sudden out of nowhere i hear this piercing scream of what sounded like a young child. I immediately jumped out of bed, startled and a little shaken, but i proceeded out to investigate what it could have been. I open my door, and i see a wispy trail of light pass my door and dissappear into the living room. At this point im getting the chills - something just isn't right. I open the door of the room beside mine, and inside layign on the ground headless in a pool of blood is a little girl.

I'm totally freaked out, my heart is thumping and im breathing excessively fast. For some stupid reason i run out into the living room. In front of me i see a wispy trail. It glows... and then all of a sudden the light becomes really bright and before i knew it, what looked like a exetremley beautiful woman with long dark hair is floating in mid air in front of me, basked in a bright white light. Her legs merge together from the knees down into a wispy tail, somewhat like a genie. She stares at me and we both lock eyes for a moment. Im trembling with fear. Her eyes turn red and just as i break eye contact, she lifts her right arm and swings it. A bright red energy disc forms in her palm and is released, coming right for me.

Im so spooked that i can't say a word let alone scream. As i try to run i realise that i have no control of my body. My legs collapse and i fall down to the ground and the disc narrowly misses me. Im on the ground trembling with my eyes closed, wishing it was all a dream and that someone would come out and help me.

Several moments pass and i open my eyes again and realise that im back in my room on my bed. Im so relieved that it was just a dream. My heart is still beating like a madman and my breathing is still very fast paced but learning that it was just a dream i begin to relax again.

Then i hear some tapping. It starts off as a soft tapping but then gradually becomes louder and louder. I hear a loud thud on my door and the sounds of my door knob turning. I lay there speechless as a shadow moves towards me from the open door. I scramble up off my bed and try and make a run for it, but he lunges at me and we end up wrestling. Im so scared right now and im doing all i can to try and fend myself. Its pure animalistic instinct - trying to survive. I can feel the negative energy in the room, and i can just tell that whatever was in my room wasn't from the human realm - maybe in human form, but defintely not human energy.

I know my attempts are futile and that Im not going to get away, so I break down and overwhelmed with emtions of fear, anger and sadness, i retreat back to the corner and wait for what was coming my way. At that point he seemed to back off as well, and the shadow that was cloaking him suddenly lifted and i see this man standing in front of me. My fear subsides, and a feeling of attraction towards him builds up inside me. He moves closer to me and reaches out. I reach out and grab his hand with mine, and he pulls me in towards him and wraps his arms around me, gripping me tightly. We stay in that position for a moment. As fucked up as it sounds i was actually getting turned on. He lets go of me momentarily and walks around me and again puts his arms around me, but this time, with one hand on my crotch. It feels soo good. I reach around and feel up his bulge, and then I move my hand down the waistband of his jeans and feel his big thick piece in my hand.

Pure sexual energy. I've never felt so good. However as quickly as it appeared, it started to dissolve away just as quickly. The warmth and security of his arms around me reverted back to cold and empty. I find myself alone in my room again. My heart is pounding, and my breathing remains heavy. I hear some voices outside my door, but i can't pick up what is being said. I glace up and in the doorway, stands my brother. I turn away feeling guilt and shame and when i turn back, he's gone.

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And then i woke up.

Alone. By myself. In my room. Noone is home, im assuming my housemates have gone to uni. And then i look at the clock and its almost 11am. I didnt end up going to uni today, I had slept in and i wasn't really in to mood to do anything.

That dream really freaked me out. It was just so graphic - it wasn't just the sights, and sounds - there was another element to it, that i just can't explain. You have to 'feel' it.

I have a lot of dreams like this. Unlike most other people, the dreams i have are never about what i did recently, about my friends, nor about what im going to do in the future. It's either I don't dream at all or have really complex, random, graphic, violent and psychotic dreams. It's really disturbing, and reassures me of how messed up I am.


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ps... TN is a fuckhead.

:-P

So the presentation today went averagely (is that even a word?) okay i guess. It almost turned bad though. I was up until 3am in the morning preparing the script for the presentation, making sure that everyones parts linked in and that it all flowed, seeing as we all had written our parts separately without consultation from each other. I had emailed it out to the other group members and let them know that if they wished to make ammendments then they'd have to get the changes to me before 10am the next day.

So then comes 9:50am and im thinking sweet everythign should be fine as i haven't received an email from anyone else so im good to print. 5o pages later (10 double sided pages per script) i have a nice stack of scripts in my hand and im feeling rather chuffed about my hard work the night before.

I get to uni and theres 4 of us, apparently the 5th member doesn't get off work yet. so we do a quick rehearsal and run through and it all goes smoothly. 2 of the members run off to a class before the presetation and the 5th member shows up.

I give her the script and tell her to have a read through it to make sure she's familiar. But when handing it to her, she says "oh i've already got one" which she clearly doesn't. She only had her notes that she emailed me the night before. The other group member tells her that its better if she uses the updated script because things have been change. she agrees

And you know what she does? when it came to her part she completely disregards the script and just says a whole heap of stuff off the top of her head. Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK! she completed screwed everyone over because what she talked about had nothign to do with the issue at hand. And some of the stuff that was supposed to be mentioned later she talked about early and some of the stuff she was supposed to talk about she didn't mention...

i actually had to do a few of her lines that she didn't do as they lead onto a direct question that was going to be asked to another member.

urgghh....i spend all that time doing the stupid script and she thinks shes too good to use it.

Im just so glad that the other members and i were able to go into damage control and somehow talk our way out of the mess she'd gotten us into.


Its over now at least.. wont get the results back until the week after next. hope we did ok.

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On the way to uni this morning, i bumped into my old housemate. I actually haven't seen him for a bit over half a year so i was really glad i met him today. We talked about current issues with uni and whinged about how our exam timetables sucked haha.. it was like old times. We're meeting up for lunch next week so should be good.