Empty Spaces

I've had the worst weekend :-(. I still feel a bit down from the other night, and on top of that I just feel so exhausted physically. I've had the hardest time trying to sleep. I never seem to be able to wake up refreshed.

I had a dream last night. I woke up in a funeral hall, and the dead people rose from their eternal slumber. They were all weilding weapons, mainly blades of all sorts. I tried to turn on the lights but the lights wouldnt' work. These Zombie corpses came at me from all directions and did everything in their power to put me into an eternal sleep. No matter what I did, they just never seemed to die even after stabbing and wounding them.

And then THEY came. From the skies they did. And with a watchful eye over the world, they controlled my every move. And the moment I deviated from their plans they had for me, the skies would literally come crashing down on top of me.

I somehow reached a place, where there seemed to be a warp zone where multiple versions of reality merge. I see multiple versions of myself. But we all knew that only one of us will be able to pass through that point. once passed that point, history can repeat itself, and time can rewind itself back to that merging point. If my future doesn't turn out as i had wanted, i find myself back at the warp zone, with multiple versions of myself. Only one of us may proceed again into the future, while the rest of us are obliterated by THEM.

I just know that I'll never be able to have a fulfilling life or future, and so I did something really stupid that i wont mention. I put my life at risk because I just did not care anymore. And i said goodbye to my clones and told them to not be what i was. And then i cried as i watched and waited for THEM.

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I try so hard and i search in every possible place and way I can, but I can never find him again. I wish he would come back. Theres a huge void he left in me when he left me, and now all i feel is darkness.

After a while they start to burn......

I miss him so much. I wish i could be with him again and just never ever wake up.

Earlier tonight i was just freakin emo and depressed. I mean it wasn't even over anything worth being emo over, but i just was. Fuck. Im so fuckin selfish n needy, always thinking of myself and i just take and take and never seem to be able to give back. I just hate myself sometimes soo much.

I may have outed myself to a friend as well. I was talking to him and telling him how i felt crap, and he asked me if i would explain it a bit more for him. So i did, except i witheld a fair bit of information. He then said to me that i was acting strange and evasive, and that he could read between the lines, and that he wasn't going to speculate. He said that he knew i was deliberately witholding information from him, despite my poor excuses, and that if I had wanted to tell him i would have. We left the conversation at that and changed the topic.

:-( I need to take my medication. I've been bad. But i jsut hate it. It just doesn't seem right that i have to take medication to stay happy or at least emotionally and mentally level.

urgh. i need to sleep.

I know im bad. I stopped taking my meds. And the moment i stop taking them, i start getting all these dreams again. BUT this is one dream that I'm glad i had.

I met my soulmate. The person who fulfills the void inside me. The person who makes me forget about everything negative in my life. He made me the happiest I've ever been in my life. He is the first person I've ever said "I LOVE YOU" to.

His name was "Positive". Well actually that was his nickname, but he prefered that name. He had an identical twin brother that I could simply not tell apart. The twin brothers name was Max. Max didnt really like me all that much. Not that he disliked me, but he was indifferent to me, and he'd get annoyed when I mistook him from his brother, and usually just walk away.

Apart from "positive", i simply cannot remember "positives" real name. I can't quite remember how it happened, but I went up and asked him if he was Max. And he didn't say directly who he was, but he asked me a question. I can't remember what the question was but the answer to the question would give me the answer i was looking for - whether or not he was Max. I can't remember what I answered with, but "positive" was a keyword. His face lit up when I answered him correctly and I realised that he wasn't Max. So from there i started calling him Positive.

Max and I never had much of a connection. He was always just there, with his twin brother positive. But him seeing how happy Positive and I were, made him happy. Happy for the both of us.

Positive and I spent most of our time walking, with our arms around each other. He made me happy like i've never been before. He truly was my soulmate. That void inside me, and that loneliness just vaporized when i was with him. I felt complete. I felt like nothing else mattered but him. I kept telling him how much I loved him.

We kissed and it was the best kiss I had ever had. And straight after I woke up.

Hmm haven't updated for a while, but then again there really is nothing much to write about. I guess the medication must be working.

I've just had my first session with a new counsellor under a Mental Health Care Plan prescribed to my by my doctor. What a huge difference he is compared to the counsellor i was previously seeing. The new counsellor is a very practical man, and gives me advice on how to deal with certain issues. He's also objective and doesn't tell me the things I'd want to hear, unlike the other counsellor. I'd even go so far as to say that in this one session i've had with him, we've covered more ground than the previous 5 i've had with the other. I think i'll just stop seeing the other one since I find progress is lacking with her.

In daily life, i've just been busy with work. Pretty much every night and a few weekday mornings. I've kind of assumed the role of 2ic in my department. I guess in a way its a compliment, but at the same time it means i've taken on more responsibility and it just makes it a lot harder for me to get time off if i need it. Being in a different department and having different work schedules from what i used to have means that I dont get to see or talk to Nick or my other colleagues as much. In a way i do kind of miss that interaction. I miss talking to Nick as well. It feels a bit like i've lost a friend or something.