Empty Spaces

So here I am. Laying in bed, with my laptop. It's 10:32pm right now and many times have I said to myself that I really should start sleeping earlier and getting my sleeping patterns right again, but time after time, I'm left in the same situation. I lay here, in an attempt to doze off into a peaceful slumber, yet in my head, thoughts run rampant, emotions flow and the chemistry in my brain goes into overload. I can't seem to switch it off.

I can't exactly tell you what goes on in my head because there are just way too many things I'd have to describe and a lot of these thoughts come and go or are simply just too complex to try and explain. Whatever is happening in my head isn't really just in my head. The mind and body are one, and can't really be separated. The thoughts in my mind evoke emotions which creates chemistry within my body. Certain thoughts evoke sadness or lack of joy - your body responds to how you act, think or feel. Body responses such as headaches, restlessness, insomnia, hypertension etc. I know that these are the result of poor emotional health.

For the next few days, I'm really trying to keep mentally and emotionally sound. I know I need to be on top of my game because I've got quite a few assessment pieces coming up. However I always seem to have breakdowns in periods that i just can't afford for it to happen. I can't think straight, I can't focus on the task at hand and my mind wanders and brings up anything it can to see me fall. I fall and I can't get back up. I lose any sense of reality and I fall into a dream world. A fantasy world. Where I end up hoping for something better, hoping for a change. Imagining how things would be if I were something different. Everything would play out perfectly and all's well that'll end well. I become a recluse into my dream world and forget about whats going on around me, in the real world - imagining how things would be, and hoping for change. Yet none of these things ever permeate into reality, because I'm too far into my state of illusion to realise the truth that nothing will ever be done, nothing will ever change unless I make it change.

I'm not a believe of fate - that my destiny is pre-written and i'm simply following a path. But in that respect, my destiny is pretty much written, albeit with pieces missing from the puzzle. I'm so far into my fantasy world that I've lost touch with myself. In my mind I've got most of the aspects of my life pre-written in my head. The expectations I have for myself, what my future looks like, what type of person I'll become, the expectations that others have for me. I'm looking down a tunnel, and at the end, I see a projection of my future. The future that I've created for myself. My fantasy world. My eyes focus on nothing but that light at the end of the tunnel, and I lose all peripheral vision - of reality. What's going on around me. The current state. I have lost focus of reality and follow blindly into the illusion that is the end of the tunnel. I forget that without first going through the tunnel that the end will never come. That if i focus my eyes only on the light at the end, I will be blind to whats around me.

But then everything is sunny again. It doesn't matter does it? Why complain when everything is fine? Right? When business is booming, we let little things slide right? Nothing makes any sense but everything is all right. It's only a big deal if we make it a big deal. Suddenly mountains become molehills and the sun radiates its heat and light onto the earth and everything is joyous. As soon as it came though, it can dissappear just as quickly. The shadows pull me back and I'm encased in darkness again, and penetrated by the emptiness. I have a map leading to nowhere and a compass that doesn't point. I see others rise above me. In comparison, I am insignificant. I see those around me clearly. But they soon fade away. I fade away.

When the storm has passed, I look back and see the destruction. Without questioning, I take whats left for granted and convince myself that there was nothing that could have been done. I show my acceptance for the situation. This default mechanism makes sure that guilt or regret is hidden away behind an invisible veil. And I'm left peering back behind me, wondering what could have happened if something had been done.

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I wasn't going to write anything about it, but I'm really left wondering. Yesterday was RiverFire. 30 mintues of non-stop fireworks, along the Brisbane river. It's a big event for most people. I've missed out 2 years in a row. I wanted to go this time.

I found out from someone else that JW, a friend from college was going. But he was going with his 'posse'. I thought he was a pretty good friend, but perhaps i've become invisible. I never got an invite. It wasn't as if the people he was going with were complete strangers. I guess i could say that I'm 'friends' with all of them too - that is to say I know them all. It makes me wonder how much of a friend they see in me if I'm always left out. Same thing happened when we went to see Inception. I'm never told about anything that happens. I feel unwelcome.

During the afternoon, I asked a few other people if they wanted to go, all of which replied with a no. So i asked TN. At first I thought about calling him, but then decided against that and asked over MSN. I was hoping that he'd come out with me, but it was a straight up NO. No excuse or reason either. Just a No. After questioning him jokingly, he answers with 'couldn't be bothered. its too far out'

Feeling a little down at the time, I figured there wasn't any point going anymore especially if its just by myself.

Later on in the night, TN contacts me on MSN telling me how cool RiverFire was. I was puzzled to say the least, as he had told me he wasn't going. Not only did he go, but he had driven pretty much around Brisbane, and stopped off through my suburb as well.

I was so insulted.

Am i really that bad of a person to be with? Is there something inherently wrong with me?

Sometimes when I'm frustrated and angry, I become artificially cheerful and happy, and excessively nice. So for about an hour or so, i chatted to him on MSN pretending to give a damn about what he got up to that night.

I dont even know why i still talk to him. I just cant seem to bring myself around to blocking him. Or anyone for that matter. Since a while back, I don't initiate conversations with him. It's always been him starting up the conversation. But he'd never continue the conversation and I'd have to carry it most of the times. And even then, he'd reply at will.

I dont like to admit it, but secretly i really don't have any friends. I live a pretty joy-less life and not really having anyone makes things worse. I know quite a few people, but i don't have anything in common with anyone it seems and I always have a sense of being the third wheel and not belonging.

I guess my constant ups and downs usually revolve around this issue and my longing to have someone i can connect with.

I come to this blog whenever I feel alone. It sort of keeps me sane, but after a while its like talking to a rock. It can never really talk back.

I've also contemplated shutting it down, because I don't think it's really working out the way I wanted it to. I feel as if by keeping it up, it's very existence causes me to not deal with my issues, but divert them here instead. It's like i'm running away from the real world to this internet world. I'm not really sure what i should really do though.

It's been an hour and a half since i started writing this. This post was like a rollercoaster ride. Ups and downs and all sorts of emotions. I guess my blog has sort of fulfilled one of its objectives - for me to be able to brain dump. And seeing as i've done that, i might go and try to get some sleep. At least now i wont have so much running through my mind.