Empty Spaces

I think i've just hit one. Im stuck. I dont know what to do. I dont know where to go.

Having an identical twin :-D

*inspired by JEDWARD*

lolzorz

A few days ago, I was almost involved in a fatal car accident. Fault lays on the other party. I cant help but wonder what things would be like if I hadn't have been so lucky. When i think about the incident, a part of me keeps wishing that the outcome was different. Imagine, i'd be gone instantly. Escape from this world. It makes me feel happy.

Its happening again. Its like everything around me goes dark and I'm the only one here. By myself.

I haven't posted in a long while. There've been multiple times when i've come online, typed up a post, about to submit it but then deleted it all. I feel like I've really got nothing worth writing about. I'm simply just ranting and complaining. Much ado bout nothing really. Also i feel as if everything that is bugging me is like a shadow in my peripheral vision. You know that feeling, when you feel theres something behind you, you KNOW theres somethign behind you, but the moment you turn around to see what it is, it dissapears into the shadows? Thats how it is with me really.

Im in a stage of my life where im just frustrated and angry at everything. I have no empathy or care for anything at the moment and im simply riding the roller coaster with my eyes closed. I really couldn't care to be honest. I seem to find annoyances with every little thing and im angry all the time for no rational reason other than because i want to be angry. Im at a point in time when i just couldn't care about anyone else and in fact i seem to appear to hate everyone. I don't want to see or talk to my friends. I have a strong aversion to social situations. I just want everyone around me to get stuffed, stfu and leave me alone. The few people who i do want to be around, i fear that i may seem overly clingy or desperate or attached to them. I am selective with whom i want to socialize with, and then become annoyed and angry if the other party is unavailable. Im becoming really self-centered really and being really needy.

I punish myself sometimes. Every now and then, i feel the need to put myself in pain in order to remind myself that this life is real. Bring me back to reality. Im not going to discuss much about this, but sometimes pain and punishment might be a good thing.

I've been phasing in and out of behaviours of irrationality, apathy and depression these last few weeks. I've stopped taking my medication. I honestly cant remember the last time i took them. And i've also stopped seeing my psychologist.

Theres been a few developments in life recently. I dont know if i've written about this, but I've come out to a few people at work. After Nick, I came out to J. After J, i came out to S, and then D, and just tonight, J revealed it to B.

J, B and D are also gay, so i guess in a way i was slightly more comfortable with letting them in on it.

For a while I felt a bit like Nick and i were becoming a bit distant. With my busy work schedule, lack of sleep and general exhaustion, a lot of small things really affect my mood, causing me to fall in and out of a dark void. Certain things that are said by others, certain actions and behaviours often triggered somethign within me and i'd fall into a depressive spiral.

Thats usually when apathy, carelessness and irrationality begins. I came out to D as a result. I told him one night when we were alone, because I hated the feeling of loneliness that was in me. I just didnt really care and just told him.

J and I have been spending a lot more time with each other since i came out to him.

Im so tired right now that i dont even think straight and write out anything coherently or in any logical order. Im just kind of brain dumping at the moment.

I feel really alone.
I want to have someone of my own.
I feel a great sense of loss when someone who i feel close to becomes what i feel to be distant.
There is a sense of jealousy when someone im close to becomes involved with someone else. I feel like that other person is taking away a part of me.
Maybe im being too clingy.
Perhaps i bond to people too quickly then what they can reciprocate.
Im really messed up right now.

A random guy messaged me on a website where i have a profile, and said they were interested. I asked what their intentions were, and it was purely for no strings attached physical relations. Without too much thought i agreed to it. But now im starting to think i made a wrong choice. What i want, and what that person wants are two different things. But im giving that person what he wants, in the hopes that i'd get what i want back.

Im starting to worry that im falling back into the same situation as what happened more than 2 years ago. As much as i wish i was, I am still have not gotten over what happened back then, and it still affects me so much today. Everythign from my own self esteem to how i interact with other people.

Im so messed up atm.

I can't gather my thoughts in order to be able to write a structured blog post so im just going to leave it at this.

I just need and want someone so badly. I can't shake this feeling.