Empty Spaces

Sometimes i'll wake up and just feel completely down and out for no particular reason whatsoever. This morning is one of those. I wish i could quantiify how i actually feel in words, but i just cant seem to. In slowly loaing my mind and my ability to communicate.

Its 4am in the morning and im wide awake not able to get back to sleep. I feel such a deep disconnection with the world around me. I had a random dream just before i woke up. I was back in highschool, out on a field. Somehow i ended up being part of a soccer/football team. I was goal keeer. Not a very good one though. I failed to save any balls watsoever. I felt so embarrassed, guilty and ashamed of myself. I felt i had let the team down. It was wasnt a great moment for me, and i felt so bad about it that i had to fight back tears. It wasnt my fault i kept telling myself.

All my life i'd never been good at sports. Not because i didnt like sports but becausei dont believe i was ever afforded.the opportunity. As a kid my parents were working pretty much 5am to 7pm and as a result i'd have to take care of my siblings. I never had the chance to do any afterschool extra curricular activities. Was never really part of a team. I also suffered from asthma, which due to lack of correct knowledge for my situation and little time, my parents kept me from.doing physical activities that could trigger my asthma.

During my time at in primaary school, i could never remember why i wasnt in any sports team. I recall one time i was out on a field playing soccer. It was like i was just placed there. I didnt know what to do. I didnt know the rules. Noone had taught me. After the game, all i can remember was that all these older kids calling me names and one name that i remember to this day was 'faggot'. I was called a faggot even tho i had no idea what it meant. It wasnt a good feeling, and ever since then i guess i was so afraid of being abused that i avoided team sports for the rest of my time at school. Id tell my parents to write in letters.to.excuse me from doing any sports, using my asthma as.a reason.

During that time when i was younger, i never really had.many friends. Was never really included in anything. My best friend was a girl called Kim. Sports teams were gender separated so whenever sports.day came, i felt i had lost my best friend for the day. I was so ashamed and embarrassed being with the guys. I was afraid of the things they'd do or say to me. I'd always be chosen last. I dreaded sports so much. Not because i didnt like it but because i was afraid. fraid because i didnt know how to play. Afraid of letting people down. Afraid of being verbally abused after the game. I dont think the teachers did anything about it. They just tokd me not to listen.

The dream i had made me think. I was so afraid being the goal keeper. But what was i afraid of? I was afraid of failure. Afraid to let others down. Afraid at what was coming to me.

I only just realised then, that ive had confidence issues all my life. I was afraid of. Humiliation and rejection so i pusshed it all away. I tried to keep as far away from team sports as i could.

And i deeply regret it now. I never got a chaance to form relationships. I never got a chance to interact with the other guys. I never had a chance to feel wat it felt like to be part of a team. To win as a team. To lose as a team.

I feel so disconnected. Sports is such a big part of normal life and i feek like im missing that entire chunk of my life. Im missing the confidence, the energy and the passion. I guess this is a.reason i feel so awkward and uncomfortable around other guys.

Right now i feel like because i've lost this part of my life, that anything i do in the future will be severely affected. Im almost graduTed and i feel that in any future workplace i'll be in, i may be ostracised from the rest of my co-workers, esp the males, as sports is a common bond most people will share. A bond that i lack. And then i would get stereotyped. They'll probably say "oh he desnt like sports because he's gay". I dont like sports because i was never given the opportunity to like it.

I feel so detachdd and like im missing an entire chunk of me. I live in fear. Im afraid.

Im not feeling good right now. Theres just so much going through my head at the moment but I can't seem to put anything into words. I just feel it inside me. It hurts so bad.

But it comes and goes so quickly. Like a shadow hanging over me. Its shrouding me whenever theres noone with me. But then it dissappears just as quickly as soon as somethign comes along. And then im back by myself and thre it is devouring me once again.

:-(

I saw a counsellor yesterday. The whole morning I was so nervous. I kept thinking about what I was supposed to say and what I wanted to start with. I began to think that maybe seeing a counsellor wasn't such a good idea and was tempted to cancel my appointment. I was up early that morning because i couldn't sleep. I showered got dressed and walked to the bus stop. The closer i got to uni, where the counsellor was based, the more anxious i got.

When i spoke to the receptionist over the phone to make the appointment a few days ago, she asked me if i wanted to see a male or female counsellor. I wasn't expecting that question and I didn't really know how to respond so I just said whoever was available. So she said she'd book me in with Sheldon. A male name im guessing.

The night before I was having thoughts about how maybe a male counsellor wasn't such a good idea. I've never been comfortable being around other guys. So as the time drew nearer to the appointment, I got fidgety and my heart was pounding away in my chest. Fortunately I was greeted by a nice lady instead of 'Sheldon' who introduced herself and said she would be my counsellor.

We went in the room and i sat on the chair clutching my bag in my lap. She introduced herself, and went through some administrative stuff. She said anythign that was said was confidential and remained between her and me. Except for if i was suicidal or could potentially hurt myself or others, then she would have to report me. She also took the bag off me and asked me to relax.

So she started by asking me how i was feeling. Simple question really. But i couldn't answer her. I told her that i wasn't sure why i was there. I said that it was a mistake and i shouldn't have come. I explained that my doctor had recommended that i see a counsellor months ago but i kept putting it off. I also said that I was only there because some friends had said that i needed to see someone. She understood.

I asked her to imagine a cube. If she could imagine life as a cube. And using that cube, you'd be able to examine each side of the cube, until the entire cube had been looked over. I then explained that my life was NOT a cube. But rather a sphere. Where there are no sides except one. And that there is no single starting point and that every aspect of my life is so intwined that everything just melds together as one.

She asked me how i thought about being here. I answered that i felt that by cominng to a counselling session that I am admitting to having problems. Admitting defeat. That i was too weak and useless to deal with my own problems by myself. I told her that i felt especially vulnerable. We sat for a while in silence. She explained to me that this was NOT the case at all. That everyone needs someone to talk to. Seeing a counsellor doesn't mean that I am weak. It means that I have the strength and courage to seek someone, and to not bottle everything up. She admitted that even she sees a counsellor too.

She asked me if there are any pressing issues at this very moment. I thought for a while, and then not being able to really think of anything, I introduced her to a few people. EV, Charlie, EV's sister Kay and Charlies sister. I explained that today was Kay's 21st birthday. But I didn't want to go even though she had invited me. I didn't want to go because I didn't want to see EV or K. I didn't want to talk to them or see them. I told her i felt really bad about it.

I explained that EV had told Kay something about me that was highly personal, and that kay had told charlies sister who then told charlie. And then i was confronted by charlie. I never told the counsellor what the secret was though. I talked about charlie and EV. About how we all went to school together. How i felt betrayed and that i have major trust issues with EV. I told the counsellor about an incident in highschool which took me several years to get over.I talked about how i was from a small town and that if this secret got out, it could be very damaging for me.

She asked me what i was afraid of. I said i was afraid of being alone. of losing the people i care about. I told her about how i've had to restart in life so many times. That i felt like it wasn't worth trying anymore. That i had no joy or happiness in life. She put on a serious face and asked me if i had ever had suicidal thoughts.

I told her yes. Which is true. I told her i have them nearly every day. She became concerned and questioned me further. I told her that i always wished that everything would just come to an end. That i'd get hit by a car or something. Or i'd get really really sick and not wake up. She then asked me if i had thought about ways of which i could end my life. I was a little bit stunned. I had never thought of it before. I had never thought about the ways in which i could end my life. All i ever thought about was how good it would be if i just dissappeared. I told her that i didn't have to courage to act on it.

She let me in on a secret and said that she's happy for me, because its not that i dont have the courage. Its that theres a part of me that still really wants to live. A part of me deep down that knows that things could be so much better and that is what is keeping me from taking my own life.

We talked about my family. Talked about my family background and family dynamics. During this part i was very emotional and I am embarrassed to admit it, but i got a bit teary. We were already over time, but she never told me to stop.

She mentioned 'intergenerational trauma' and that not only was i carrying my own burden, but i was also carrying the burden of my parents and my family.

I told her i felt trapped, and that i had nowhere to go. Couldn't go back, couldn't look forward.

She said that my story was nothing ordinary at all. She said i was an intelligent person, who even though may not be able to put it into words, that i could sense things and feel it inside.

She then asked me to come back again next time and that she really wants to help me out on my journey. She said that she wanted to talk about my hopes and dreams and aspirations.

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I hadn't eaten at all that day, and i was getting really hungry. So i messaged hayden if he wanted to catch up for lunch since he was at uni. He msged back saying that he was busy. I was still clearly upset from the things i talked about with the counsellor, so i didn't end up getting anything to eat because i didn't feel in the mood to eat anymore.

I sat in the library before i got a phone call. You know who you are. Thanks so much for being there for me.

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Im kind of worried right now. Worried about whether or not I've made the right decision.

I spent over an hour, staring at my computer screen. Over an hour thinking about what i'd do, and what i'd say. Where I'd start. You see, on my screen was the phone number for the student counsellors at my university.

I stared at that number, and I felt anxious, nervous, scared and slightly nauseated just thinking about it. Im so afraid right now, that im sort of trembling.

Im nervous and there is a part of me that wishes that i had never had never picked up that phone and called that number.

Now the reality is hitting me. Im going to have to truly admit that I have problems. Im going to have to open myself up. I feel so vulnerable. Like i've never felt before.

I've put this off for far too long.

Ben, I know you read this, even if you dont comment, but you're right that im going to drive myself insane if I dont get help.

This is for you, Ron, Biki, Ben, Winter.

My first steps.

Urgh. Uberfloods now cyclones. The world must be coming to an end.

I hope my family are ok. They are in the direct path of a possible category 4 cyclone.

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News update:

Tropical Cyclone Yasi has now been updated to a Category 5 storm with winds of up to 300km/h. Its also tracking slightly south which now puts my home town directly into the eye of the storm.

Sooooooo........

Sushiboy shouted me a free snowcone today.


<3

I feel bad because i couldn't finish it.