How to Arrange Everything inside a Big Closet?
8 years ago
So ever since i started this blog, i've been keep record of all my dreams. Partly because they were all so vivid and detailed, and partly because I wanted to write them down somewhere so one day i'd be able to read back through them and decipher them and to find out how i was really feeling back then.
Since the confession, i've kind of noticed but my dreams have sort of started fading away. They're no longer one big interconnected dream, but now its just random bits and pieces. Bits and pieces that i can no longer recall with any sort of clarity.
I dont know if thats a sign of a good thing or not, but i hope it is.
Last night i had a series of odd dreams. I was on the edge of a cliff, and down below me the water was lit up in bright lights, and I could see all the marine creatures swimming below. But what scared me was the number of sharks circling below.
I was then on a boat, making my way down a river, when the boat engine fails, and it starts to capsize.
In the last few blank pages of a book, i had written out my confession. As i was laying in bed, I heard someone (not sure who it was, but it was someone close to me) call out to me and ask me what the book was and why there was writing in the back of it. I tried to get up. I tried to call out and tell him not to open it. But i was overcome but a great sense of tiredness and could barely open my eyes or get out of bed.
There was another scene where i was sitting in a room, looking out the window, when all of a sudden a car pulls up in the drive way. A guy in his mid-40's hopped out and walked towards the door. I KNEW exactly who he was. He handed over to me a necklace. And just as he did, my sister came out and asked me who it was. I lied to her and said it was a work colleauge. Here is the scary thing - I had indeed lost a necklace, and I couldn't for the life of me remember where i left it. It then struck me that the last time i took that necklace off was at the guys place. I left it on his bedside drawer and forgot about it.
I was in a white old dusty room, sitting beside a fireplace. It was cold and i was shivering, but the fireplace was boarded up for some reason. So i just sat there, and looked on.
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I should have done this so much earlier, and I regret not taking this step a lot sooner, but today, is the first day of the rest of my life (well actually yesterday was, cos i told Nick it was. But i guess today can be too). I took my first step onto the road of recovery.
After some serious advice (you guys know who you are) I went to a local sexual health clinic and had some tests done.
This is somethign i've been wanting to do, yet at the same time, been so scared of doing for so long. After what happened, I guess I had so much going on in my head that i just didn't know what to do or where to begin. In a sense, i had this notion in my head that if i repress it, hide it deep within me and not ever speak of it again, then nothing ever happened. I was also deeply scared about what the outcomes of the sexual health test would be. I was so scared that it would be something bad. A million thoughts ran through my head and heaps of different scenarios were played through my mind re-enacting a worse case scenario. What would i tell my parents, what would i do? Out of fear, and not wanting to hear bad news, I neglected to get these extremely important tests done.
A few things happened today. A couple of funny things too. I foudn the clinic easily enough. It was in a multistory building, being on the level above ground floor. So i walked through the front door, and got into the elevator. Pressed Level 1. The doors closed and i waited.....and waited.....and waited....and waited...Damn i thought, this elevator is sloooow. The doors never opened so i pressed the "Open Door" button, and when the doors opened, i realised the elevator had not moved an inch. I had to ask for help and was told that the elevator i went into doesn't stop at level 1. Ok so that was kinda silly of me.
After being led to a working elevator, i got to the reception desk and the lady gave me some paperwork to fill out. The clinic works on a triage assessment basis, so patients are prioritised in terms of severity of their problem. There was a question on the paperwork that had me in a little bit of shock for a while. It was: "I have sex with: []Men, []Women". I stood there for 5 mins looking at this question. It sounds simple enough right? Perhaps. I really didn't know which one to tick. I haven't worked myself out yet, so should i tick the box that i've had sexual experiences with, or tick the box that i'd LIKE to have sexual experiences with. It was a bit of self discovery and the first time I really admitted somethign to myself. I ticked "[]Men".
I was escorted to a waiting room to sit and wait to get assessed by the triage nurse. I was a little bit nervous and staring at my phone the whole time, trying to avoid eyecontact with anyone else in the waiting room. I do admit i was a little embarrassed, but then I kind of looked around and realised... "hey... all these people are here for the same thing!!" that made me feel a little calmer. These two girls around the corner were also waiting, and MY FREAKIN GOD they were loud. Lound and obnoxiously funny because they were talking about pretty much everything from how many people they've slept with to the nasty stories they've heard about and even porn and prostitutes. Thanks girls, but next time, keep it down wont you.
When i was called in by the triage nurse, she asked some routine questions, like contact details, age, etc. And then she asked me why i was here. I was tongue tied, and sat there for a few minutes trying to get the words out. And i finally did. It started with "Somethign happened to me.....a few years ago". Then when it came to telling her, I told her i was 'taken advantage of'. She asked if i had reported it to police. I told her no. And to be honest, i dont want to. I just want to move on. A few more questions and she said she'd book me into the next open slot. She also asked me when i last urinated, and i told her i couldn't remember. lol. so when i walked back out to the waiting room, i went and had a drink of water just in case.
The doctor calls me in, and after some more routine questions he read out what the triage nurse had written. I was honestly shocked and surprised to hear that she wrote down that i had been RAPED. I immediately stopped him, and told him that RAPE wasn't a term i want to throw around adn that i wasn't comfortable using that term. I told him that i told the nurse that i had been 'taken advantage of'. Since the confession a few blogposts ago, Im still coming to terms with what happened and I still haven't quite accepted it, so I wasn't so keen on using the 'R' word. But the doc stopped me, and asked me why i didnt think so. He told me to explain to him everythign that happened. And i did. And he gave it to me straight. He said that no matter what i think or say, the truth is i was 'raped'. Although not fully unconsensual, it wasn't fully consensual either, and that i was 'manipulated, and taken advantage of'. those were his words. In the paper work was a question asking whether or not the patient had been raped. And he ticked "[] YES". I guess that is it. The final answer.
Had to get naked infront of the doc which was a bit embarrassing and uncomfortable.He did a physical check and it was over pretty quickly. He took a few swabs, got a blood sample and asked me for a urine sample. And then after that he talked to me about safe sex, counselling services if i needed, and told me that being gay is nothign to be ashamed of. He gave me some pretty explicit pamphelts and a heap of condoms all in a 'discreet' little paper bag that was almost bursting at its seams. 
I get the results back next week. Hopefully everything is fine. The doctor said that he thinks that there is very little risk and he is reasonably confident that my test results will come back clean. I really really hope so.
I got back to the train station and got on to the platform only the have the train doors shut in front of my face.. lame. lol so i had to wait for the next one.
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Today was a pretty productive day for me.
Apart from what i just talked about before, I replaced some wiper blades on the car, fixed and adjusted the washer nozzles, and bought some WD40 and replaced a blown brake light and the interior dome light.
:-P
I feel so manly now, you know, doing manly things like fixing stuff. haha.
Last night at work i told Nick that I was in a good mood and that today was a great day. He asked me why and i told him that it was a great day because it was the first day of the rest of my life. He looked a little puzzled but gave me a high five. And then he asked me what i proposed to do, esp since it was the first day of the rest of my life. And i told him that i was going to sort myself out and get my life back on track. He looked genuinly surprised and said "what do you mean? you're like the most conventional kid i know!". "Theres a LOT about me that you dont know" i replied, and he just kind gave an intriugued laugh. And we left it at that.
I've got an exam in 3 hours. I really don't know how im going to go because well i haven't really been in the right frame of mind to be able to study. I went through my notes and I have a vague idea of what im supposed to know. Hopefully its sufficient to at least get a pass.
And then after my exam? I sort out my life.
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I had another dream.
I was in a swimming pool, when all of a sudden, the jets turned on and the pool was bubbling furiously until it started overflowing. Out of nowhere a large green python floated out of the water. And as i tried to avoid it, hundreds of other snakes appeared out of a bush beside the pool. I got out of the pool and i ran and ran towards the house with these serpents as well as other rodents coming after me. When i got into the house, i quickly realised that the doors didn't close properly, leaving large gaps big enough for the snakes and rodents to come through. I tried pulling on the doors to close them but the screws on the hinges all came undone. I went into the kitchen to get something to eat. As i was eating, it felt like the plate of food i had in my hands never got any smaller. No matter how much i ate, the content on the plate remained the same.
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Wish me luck for the exam. I know i'll need it.
Its one of those nights again, where I'm physically exhausted yet as much as i try, I just can't get to sleep. I wasnt going to post this but I just really need to get it out of my system.
Im going to warn you all first, because this post and perhaps the next few posts I write are going to be extremely personal and might be quite explicit. I haven't told anyone in person before, and the few that I've talked to online, I have told versions of the truth, but never the real truth, because of the nature of it, and the fact that I tried to bury it so deep within myself, that Im afraid of digging it up again and having to face it. The things im going to write, I'm afraid of. Im embarrassed, ashamed and I feel immense guilt about it. I feel so degraded and humiliated at what i've done.
I also want to apologize to the few people who i've told parts of the truth. You know who you are. Im really sorry for in a sense, lying to you. I feel terrible that I've lied about these things, and lead you to believe another version of reality about myself but i really hope you'll be able to understand why I didn't tell the truth. This is my confession. My coming clean. Dispelling the demons within me.
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As much as i dont want to admit to it, I'm depressed. I've suffered from depression for a long time now. If i had to put a date to it, I would say that it all started back my last two years of highschool, around 2004/2005. There would be times when I would just feel really bad, and cry myself to sleep. It was just a lot of things that contributed, but at the time, I didnt really think too much of it all, and I certainly would not have admitted to being 'depressed'. With that said I might leave this for another post, and I'll move on to talking about something that is a bit more current.
I moved away from home the year immediately after i graduated from highschool, to study at university. It was a HUGE deal for me, as it would be the first time that I would be so far away from my family for such a long time. At the time, i was so scared. None of my friends were moving down with me so I had no friends and i had no family down here eitehr. I was pretty much alone. My sister had also moved down a month before me, but she had found a place to live with a highschool friend of hers. I got accepted into a residential college (on-campus accomodation) and so that was where i would spend the first two years of my uni life.
I had always been really sheltered as a kid, so I was really socially awkward. I found it extremely difficult to socialise with people, and I found it hard to make friends. The first few weeks were really difficult for me because I didnt really know anyone and during those few weeks I used to feel so alone that I'd leave and spend the nights at my sisters place. Fortunately i found out that someone else who i went to highschool with, (but wasn't a close friend of mine) had also moved down and was staying at the same residential college, so I started hanging around with her. And it was through her that I met the people I did. So in a sense, she made friends with the other people, and I became friends with her friends. Those first two years living at college only then got better from then on. I did things that I had never gotten to do before, met people I never thought I'd ever get to meet, and generally just do the things i would never have been able to do if i was still at home. It was also at college that I started to question my sexuality. It was at college that I watched my first gay porn video - just out of curiousity, in the privacy of my own room - something i never had while i was at home. I really did think it was just a phase and that I'd grow out of it. Everytime i would watch something involving two guys, I would feel so guilty afterwards. I hated the fact that I didn't get turned off. I kept telling myself it wasn't normal, and that i needed to stop what i was doing. It was only a phase that would go away. And all i had to do was to not give in to these temptations i kept having. At one point I felt so bad about all the stuff i had downloaded that i purged my computer, wiping out everythign that i had downloaded. I felt a massive surge of relief after that. But it didn't last long before I gave in to temptation again. And i would feel regret and guilt each time I brought something up on my screen.
During those two years at college, apart from questioning myself, life in general was fairly good. Had a stable group of friends, a decent social life, and I was doing quite well at uni. One thing I do recall though, is that during these two years was when I started having these really strange dreams. Really abstract random, but scary dreams, like the ones that i have now. There was always someone or something after me, and it always ended with me being wounded/injured or killed. I never knew what they meant.
In 2008 i moved out with 3 friends from college and rented a house nearby the uni. I did so against the wishes of my parents. They wanted me to move in with my sister. But this was the first time in my life that i actually had, to me, 'proper' friends, and i wanted be with them. So i signed the lease without telling my parents. They were furious when I told them i had signed a year long lease.
It was this year that i really started to spiral into a deeper depression. Being at college, and being around so many people all the time, really for better or worse, kept my mind off a lot of things. There were so many distractions at college that there wasn't really much time to really think about things and think about myself.
I met a guy off an internet forum, and we started talking. I kind of lied to him about myself, because i was afraid that if i told him about the real me, that he might not want to be my friend. We would spend hours and hours talking online (he lived in canada) and the more we talked, the more i felt like I really really liked this guy. One day he mentioned that he was thinking about coming to Australia, and that he would really like to meet me. It was then that i got slightly nervous, because I had told him certain things about me that weren't true. When it became clear that he had serious intentions, i started to back off a bit, and soon our usual routine of daily chatting became more like a few words exchanged every now and then.
Pretty soon we stopped talking altogether. I felt so bad about not telling the truth, but I was just so scared of being rejected that i felt i had to lie to him to make him want to be my friend. I started feeling really secluded and alone after we stopped talking. I started to question my self worth, and started thinking that I wasn't good enough for anyone. I really started to hate myself. I started drifting away from my housemates. It was a different environment living out of college. There were no distractions, there were no other people around besides my housemates, and the level of social interaction was significantly less than when i was living at college.
Although i was living with friends, I felt so isolated from everyone. I felt like i didn't know these people well enough to talk to them about how i was feeling. So i kept it all inside. I felt so alone and inside all i wanted to do was scream. I just wanted someone i could talk to about how im feeling and for someone to just understand me. All in the meantime, i started putting on a front. An overly confident self to make up for how i really felt inside - lonely and vulnerable. I wouldnt be able to sleep at night, and toss and turn all night until morning. And then i'd be so tired that i wouldn't get out of bed and just lay there all day. My housemates noticed my excessive time in bed, and would often joke around and bang on my door loudly and yell and scream at me to get out of bed and stop being a lazy ass. I don't hold anything against them, because they didn't know better. I would have thought the same, especially because of the front that i was putting on.
I was also on sleeping medication. I've been on sleeping medication since the last half of my second year living at college. At one point, I ended up in hospital because of a suspected allergic reaction to some sleep medication i took. To this day i dont remember what happened that night. All i can remember is vomitting a lot and a whole heap of people in my room. I was told that the nurses at the hospital were worried that i had tried to overdose on paracetamol as they found a near empty packet on my table. I can't really remember much from that night. So i dont know whether i was in hospital because of the sleep medication or from the paracetamol.
Anyway sorry for digressing. After my online friend and i stopped chatting, I fell into a depressive cycle. I'd just feel so alone everynight. I'd cry a lot. I wouldnt' be able to fall asleep. I'd then take the sleeping tablets. And that would make me drift off, but then I'd feel so weak and drowsy in the mornings. I skipped a lot of my classes because i never felt in the right mood to go. It really showed in my grades as my GPA just kept slipping down.
I got to the point of desperation one day, (unfortunately it was during final exam week), and I went onto an online dating site, and started looking through profiles. But i didnt have a paid membership so all i could do was view, and not send any messages. But i was that desperate that I kind of stalked a guy, and found his youtube account and sent him a message through there. We talked for a bit on msn and he said he'd liek to meet me. His last exam was a few days before mine and we planned to meet up after he had finished his. The day we were supposed to meet up was also the day that i had my last exam. I was totally not prepared at all for my exam so i faked a sicky and got a doctors certificate and had my exam postponed. I called him up asking where he wanted to meet. But he didn't reply. So i messaged him, and he messaged back saying that he couldn't make it because he had to do something. And after that message, I never heard from him again.
Rejection hurt so bad. I was in such a bad state of mind at the time that although i had my exam postponed by a month, when the day came, i was underprepared and I went into the exam thinking i was going to fail for sure. When the results came out, I JUST scraped through and got a pass. But it was my lowest score for a semester yet. I just barely passed every subject i did.
I went home that christmas, and just wiped everything off my mind.
In 2009 i moved in with my sister and her BF who had now replaced her highschool friend as a housemate. Being in this situation i think amplified my feelings of loneliness. I felt so out of place and as if i was the third wheel. They'd go out and do things together and leave me alone at home by myself. Whenever they used to go out, I would spend excessive amounts of time in the kitchen just cooking stuff that i wouldn't eat. Cleaning things excessively. Finding all sorts of things to do to keep my mind off being alone. I eventually started walking around late at night, which wasn't the best or safest thign to do. I would walk several kilometres in the dark by myself. I'd come back, and then go to sleep still feeling a great sense of loneliness.
You could say that i could have just called up my friends and gone out and done something, but a lot of the friends i made at college were either international students or interstate students, and by this time, most of them had graduated and had either gone back interstate or overseas. And the few friends i had left were usually busy. The times that we did go out, it just never seemed the same as it did back in college. Most of them had girlfriends or boyfriends and it wasn't much fun going out and feeling like the third wheel all the time.
There were days when I just felt like i couldn't go on. Times i just felt like i was trapped in a concrete box with no way out.
I joined up with a gay matchmaking website, hoping that i'd be able to make a few friends. I eventually started talking to a guy and he asked me if i wanted to hang out with him. A while back I wrote a story on my blog called Naive. The truth is, this wasn't a story. This was what really happened to me. It was real. Jay = Me.
I had only known him for a few hours before he asked me to meet up with him the next day. I really thought we would be friends. I didn't know he had other intentions. I was really naive. At first we spent time talking, over coffee. And then we drove around for a while. He claimed he didn't know where he was going and that we were just randomly driving. We stopped off at this park. To be fair it was more like a jungle because there was a lot of trees and it was quite dense. And while we were in there, he kissed me. I was so nervous i was trembling. It was the first time i had ever kissed anyone.
There were people coming our way so we decided to leave. And we drove off for a bit, until we stopped at another place i had never been to before. We walked for a bit before he led me to a public restroom. I thought he needed to go, so i waited outside. I waited for what seemed like more than 5 minutes. And then he walked out, gave me a stern look, and kind of made a gesture to me as if telling me to come in. I replied that i didn't need to go. Again he looked a bit annoyed and gestured for me to come in. So i did. And it was there in the handicapped stall of a public restroom that i lost my virginity. We had unprotected sex in a public restroom. It was my first sexual experience ever and i was so scared, nervous but at the same time i was excited. Being my first time, it hurt so bad. He also kept asking me to fuck him as well, but it was so new to me that I couldn't get in the mood. So he went back to fucking me. Until he came. In me. I got myself off and then we cleaned up. Just as we were about to leave, I went up to kiss him. And he pushed me away. We left the public restroom and walked a bit and then sat down on a park bench. I asked him if he was ok, and he said that he wasn't into the touchy-feely stuff. We walked to his car, and he drove me back to the shopping centre where he picked me up from. He didn't say one word during that drive. I honestly thought we were going to hang out some more, but he left me there, aplogized that he had to go. And then he hugged me and told me to keep in contact. And so i did. but he never replied. He never came online again.
I was so confused. I lost my mind for a while. I didnt know what i was supposed to think. I thought we were going to be friends. I thought sex was going to be something more special. I had so many things running through my head. I was extremely lost, and i felt so worthless. I was numb. It hurt so bad to think you had made a friend and to have that taken away from you so fast. I fell into a deeper void, and for the next few months, I stopped caring. I stopped caring about my life. about my uni. about myself. I started meeting up with random guys, thinking i would be able to meet someone nice. But all anyone ever wanted was to fuck me. It was all for sex. Afterwards, i woudl never hear from anyone again. I talked to so many people online only to have them reject me or end up blocking me. I started sleeping with guys just to feel some form of human connection. Even if for a short while. In those few months i ended up sleeping with at least 8 different people. (And im really so sorry that I never told you the truth. You know who you are :-( )
And then i met another guy. He was his his late forties. After being rejected so many times, I just didn't care anymore. So i met up with him. He told me i was beautiful. Noone had ever said that to me before. I almost cried. He kept telling me that. And then he fucked me. He dropped me off at the station and i made my way home. I felt shame, guilt and embarrassment. This man, who just slept with me, was older than my father! I crawled into bed feeling so dirty, and so worthless. I felt like my life had no meaning. That sex had no meaning. That my body had no meaning at all anymore. I said to myself that i wasn't going to do it anymore.
And i stopped. I deleted all my online accounts. I went cold turkey.
And then the loneliness crept in again. And what was supposedly a once off thing with the man in his late forties became something that was more regular.
Not beause the sex was good. But because i realised that to feel loved, accepted and beautiful, that was the price i had to pay. I had to satisfy him.
He was rather well hung, so everytime we had sex, i was in pain. Every single time it hurt, but i pretended that i was enjoying it. This went on for half a year. Until i couldn't do it anymore. And i messaged him telling him that i dont feel this is what i wanted anymore. And he said he understood.
And ever since then, I just feel so dirty. I feel like a whore. A slut. I feel as if i have no worth anymore. As much as i try to think im a good person, I just cant anymore. A voice in my head keeps echoing how much of a worthless piece of shit i am. A dirty tramp who doesnt' deserve any respect from anyone.
I look at myself in the mirror, and i hate myself. I hate the way i look. I hate my body. There is not a single thing i like about myself. I see this person in the mirror and all i can think of is ugly and dirty.
As much as I wont admit to it, it really has affected me in so many ways. I've become really withdrawn, and I dont really socialise much with people anymore. I get nervous when i have to socialise. Im not very confident at anything i do anymore, and Im finding it harder and harder to get the courage to do anything. All i ever feel like doing now is sitting in my room by myself with the door locked.
I cant stop thinking that im second class. That im used goods. I can't find anything good to say about myself. I feel like i dont compare to anyone else. I feel liek im below them.
I feel inferior to everyone else around me. I've got this inferiority complex that i can't shake off. I also think i might have body dysmorphic disorder.
I really am ill. I've been suffering from insomnia for a long time. And also as a result hypertension. I've also developed a bit of an eating disorder. Even when im really really hungry, I just wont eat. Not because i wont make the effort to eat, but because I just really dont feel like eating. I can cook all the stuff in the world, yet I wont feel like eating anythign that i've cooked. I've gone whole days without eating a single thing. But then I end up binging on really unhealthy food. Takeaway stuff like McDonalds and KFC. And i've developed an addiction to fructose. I start getting angry for no reason if i dont have something sweet like Juice or fruit. And then i'll go back to not eating for a while, and then binging on junk food. I have to say that perhaps i have a decent metabolism or something, because as a result of my abnormal eating patterns and stress, I've only gained 6kgs of weight. I thought i would have gained so much more but still, 6kgs of excess weight is still not a good thing.
There are mornings where i wake up and i'd feel so crap. I'd wake up with massive headaches and the only way to make myself feel better is for me to make myself vomit by sticking my fingers down my throat. I dont know if its a good thign to be doing but it seems to be the only thing that makes me feel slightly better.
All this eating stuff has also made my stomach a bit odd. Im bigger in every way than my sister, but I can barely eat. She eats soo much more than I do. I mean i have trouble finishing off a 6 inch sub from Subway. I really dislike going to dinners because i feel so bad that i can't finish the food. I also feel bad when people take me to buffets because I wont even get through my first plate of food.
Mum knows about my hypertension, but she doesn't know about anything else. I've told her that im just stressed out about uni. At one stage while i was back home on a break, a blood vessel burst in my right eye, and it just kept bleeding. Eventually it stopped, and since then mum has been super worried about me. I keep telling her that my hypertension is due to stress from uni, but i can't use that excuse anymore because im only doing 1 subject at uni right now and im due to graduate at the end of the year.
Iknow this has been a long post, but I really really needed to get it out.
I dont really know what else to write so i'll leave it at this. I'll write about my highschool incidents in future posts.
I really do think my insomnia is getting worse and worse. The moment I slip under the covers of my bed, and rest my head on my pillow, its like all of a sudden I have this massive rush of blood to my head and I literally feel like my head is about to explode. I just feel so tense all the time, as if I have all this pressure building up within my head. It doesn't matter how tired I can be beforehand, but the moment I try to close my eyes to sleep, I simply can't.
Everytime I close my eyes, a million thoughts, feelings and emotions come rushing into my head. Not a single thought in particular, but just a whole jumble of everythign and anything. It doesn't make any sense at all. The only realy way i can describe it is an entire stack of documents just being flung up into the air, and watching it scatter everywhere as it falls back down to the ground. Except in my head, these thoughts and feelings dont fall to the ground. They stay there, suspended in mid air.
My mind is so clouded, I can't think straight at all. I can't make logical or rational decisions. I feel like i dont know what is right or wrong anymore.
Within this jumble in my head, lies something extremely personal, dark, humiliating and something that I am so ashamed, embarrassed and guilty about. I keep thinking that its really nothing, and that I haven't at all been much affected by it. But truth is, this very thing has plagued my mind ever since, and has changed who I am and my personality and how i behave in a significant way.
I may or may not have told anyone. I may or may not have tweaked the truth. But it lingers inside me, eating away at my sanity. This big dark shadow in my mind. I can't get it away from me.
I just want to come clean. I want to dispel these demons. I keep thinking that if i pretend that it never happened or if i just ignore it that it will go away. But it doesn't. The darkness just grows and grows in my mind.
I want to just let it out. And learn to let it go. But im afraid. And ashamed. And humiliated by it.
The Darkness In My Mind
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