Empty Spaces

I really do think my insomnia is getting worse and worse. The moment I slip under the covers of my bed, and rest my head on my pillow, its like all of a sudden I have this massive rush of blood to my head and I literally feel like my head is about to explode. I just feel so tense all the time, as if I have all this pressure building up within my head. It doesn't matter how tired I can be beforehand, but the moment I try to close my eyes to sleep, I simply can't.

Everytime I close my eyes, a million thoughts, feelings and emotions come rushing into my head. Not a single thought in particular, but just a whole jumble of everythign and anything. It doesn't make any sense at all. The only realy way i can describe it is an entire stack of documents just being flung up into the air, and watching it scatter everywhere as it falls back down to the ground. Except in my head, these thoughts and feelings dont fall to the ground. They stay there, suspended in mid air.

My mind is so clouded, I can't think straight at all. I can't make logical or rational decisions. I feel like i dont know what is right or wrong anymore.

Within this jumble in my head, lies something extremely personal, dark, humiliating and something that I am so ashamed, embarrassed and guilty about. I keep thinking that its really nothing, and that I haven't at all been much affected by it. But truth is, this very thing has plagued my mind ever since, and has changed who I am and my personality and how i behave in a significant way.

I may or may not have told anyone. I may or may not have tweaked the truth. But it lingers inside me, eating away at my sanity. This big dark shadow in my mind. I can't get it away from me.

I just want to come clean. I want to dispel these demons. I keep thinking that if i pretend that it never happened or if i just ignore it that it will go away. But it doesn't. The darkness just grows and grows in my mind.

I want to just let it out. And learn to let it go. But im afraid. And ashamed. And humiliated by it.

The Darkness In My Mind

....Yeah im a closet Gleek. Seen every episode.

Loved the most recent one. Its titled "born this way" with the key theme of acceptance and loving yourself. Something i need to learn to do.

Unfortunately my white shirt wouldn't have enough space for what i would write on it.

I keep having these strange dreams. I keep getting killed. There is always someone after me.

I have these dreams where doors fall off their hinges and no matter how hard i try, i can never fix them. Doors that don't open. Doors that dissappear. Doors that don't close when i want them too.

Is a fucking contradiction.

:'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( :'-(( 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I saw my counsellor today and I realised things weren't going anywhere. We were only scratching around on the surface not even close to the source of my problems. So i bit the bullet and I told her that I *might* be gay. The keyword is 'might' because I dont know where i stand. I dont know whether its because im still in denial or whether or not I still have some kind of hetero'ness in me. But i told her. I was nervous. I didnt know what to say really. I slurred my words and i stumbled and i stuttered and finally i got it out.

The root of all my problems - "I *MIGHT* be gay"

there. I said it.

Then we discussed it about more, and why I've been distant with EV and why i couldn't confront her about it. I told her i was at a crossroads not knowing what to do. She told me that being at a crossroads was not necessarily a bad thing. The reason i havent taken any steps is because it doesn't feel right yet, and im just not ready to take the first step. And that it is perfectly acceptable and right to be where i am, at a crossroad.

To be completley honest, im not 100% sure counselling is really doing much good for me. I just feel like im just repeating myself a lot. repeating a lot of things that i've already told her last time and stuff that anyone who reads this blog may already know. I dont feel like im really going anywhere.

I dont feel a sense of connection with her. Its not that shes a bad counsellor at all! Thats not what im saying, im just saying that I find it hard to talk about the things at heart, personal issues, when there isn't much of a connection. To make things worse, she's going away for a month. So I have two options. To wait until she comes back, or see another counsellor. Which i dont want to do because then i'd have to repeat everything i've already said. Its like accidentally biting on an existing cut on your lip.

It doesn't seem like im getting much out of it. IT could be several things: maybe im just impatient. I just want everythign to be better right now. Which i know is a very unrealistic thing to think. It will always take time. The other thign is perhaps im not letting her speak, not letting her try to help me. I seem to just want to blurt everythign out, every little detail. I don't know. I guess thats just how i am. I just want to let her know exactly whats going on in my life before I let her analyze and give advice. And the thign is, 1 hour isn't really enough time. It feels like just as we are about to get things rolling, time is up. Its like having an itch, and never being able to scratch it.

Anywho.. thats just how i feel about it all. Hopefully things will get better. She offered to give me some GLBT stuff and support services but im not sure im ready for that yet.

To be completely and utterly honest, all i want, is a single person, whom i can connect with on more than merely a superficial basis. someone who i can love, and who can love me back. Someone who can understand where i am coming from. Someone whos only friend is me. I guess it could be a bit of a jealousy thing. Am i just selfish? I think i am. I dont know. I just feel super lonely. Everything around me just seems so superficial and fake. Or is it just me being so self absorbed that i fail to see what is ACTUALLy around me? Am i too blind and just cannot see past the surface? I dont know...