Empty Spaces

Dear Peter

I haven't known you for a long time. But I feel like I have. I revealed to you a lot about me that I've never been able to tell anyone else. You were like a best friend that I never had. We understood each other. And you did the same with me. We haven't known each other for a very long time. But it seems like we have. You made me understand. You made me see a different perspective. I never had the chance to thank you.

You taught me that I am my own person. I am able to make my own decisions. I should lead my own life, not the life envisioned for me by others. Do you remember when you asked me why I was so afraid of telling my family? I told you that I didn't want to lose the only people in my life that make me happy. The only love that I have in my life. You told me that if they really did love me, they would accept who I was and love me unconditionally. You said that although it might take them time, that they would never abondon me. That they would never leave me alone. Being alone. My biggest fear. You made me see that it was all in my head, and that my irrational fear of being alone had trapped me, consumed me and made me unable to break out. You told me that the biggest barrier I faced was not from them, but the one I put up myself. Now I see. For this I want to thankyou.

You nudged me out of my comfort zone, when we broke the ice with that girl in the mall. You made me realise that if I always sat back and waited, that possibly nothing would come my way. If it wont come to me, then I must go and find it myself. You have shown me that the world was not out to get me. That to reach a destination, I had to make my own roads. That anything was possible with the right attitude. I was living in a dream world. Making unrealistic assumptions, thinking extraordinarily illogical thoughts. You brought me back to the real world. Thank you.

You were a perfect gentleman. Not once did you make me feel uneasy. I was comfortable around you. You made me feel like i was worth something. You showed interest in what I had to say. When I told you that I was a virgin, and that I had never had a relationship with anyone before. I expected you to laugh. Perhaps make fun of me. Like most people probably would. You weren't like most people. You respected me, and told me that in my own time, I would find what I'm looking for. Remember when we were at the coffee shop? You made me look like a fool when I tried to pay for my drink that you'd already paid for. I felt silly, but it was really sweet of you. You never let me thank you.

Can you recall when we were in that park? I had never been there before. You said you hadn't either. But that was a good thing right? Because it meant we could go exploring. It was a big park wasn't it? So many trees, and rather quite secluded. So many mosquitoes too! It was funny, thinking about it now, two guys, in the middle of the woods, slapping mosquitoes off each other. I enjoyed it. I felt like a child again. Do you remember layin on our backs on the grass looking up into the emptiness that was the sky? You asked me what I was thinking about. I told you that I wasn't thinking of anything. But I lied. Secretly, I was thinking of you. We went for a walk. And then you stopped, and appeared to be staring at something. You were leaning up against a tree that looked strangely like the letter Y. Do you remember when I asked you what you were thinking? You told me nothing. I took your word for it.

You then asked me to come over. Then you kissed me. My first kiss. I was so nervous. My heart was racing, my blood was pumping and my hands were trembling. I'm sure you knew. We were standing there, kissing, standing on opposite sides through the gap of where the tree split into two. You whispered in my ear "how was your first kiss?". I never did answer. You asked me again to come around. I was standing there, and you came up behind me, and wrapped your arms around me. I almost cried. Tears of happiness. Noone had ever hugged me like that before. Any trace of loneliness within me had vaporized. I felt loved. I felt protected.

When you drove me back. You didn't say a single word. As I left to catch my bus, you hugged me. You told me to text you everyday. You asked me to keep in touch.....And so I did.

But you never replied. You never answered your phone. You never came on online anymore.

You were like a beacon of light. You showed me hope. You made me realise my worth.

But then you took it all back again. You took my virginity. You left me alone.

We hadn't known each other for very long. I thought I knew you. But i was wrong. Naive.

Jay

It had been almost 15minutes that Jay had been waiting outside Myers, where he had agreed to meet Peter. A million things were running through his mind. "Have I been stood up? Should I call him? Oh God I hope I'm not at the wrong place. What if I am at the wrong place? Am I too early? Do I look alright? Maybe I shouldn't have worn this shirt...." He took his phone out of his pocket to check the time. Fifteen-past ten. Fifteen minutes that Jay had been standing alone, out the front of the department store. "Alright..."he thinks to himself, "Perhaps I should message him just to see if something has come up and he cant make it." He picks up his phone again, and starts writing out the first few words of the message. Before he could finish, Jay noticed someone standing beside him. A solid looking fella, a bit taller and quite well built.
Jay immediately closes out the message and puts his phone back into his right pocket.

The stranger looks at Jay and smiles. "Hey. You must be Jay right?" "Err.. Yeah I'm Jay.....Your... early" "Haha I'm sorry dude, traffic was pretty bad. Well it's nice to meet you. Wanna go get a coffee or something?" "Sure, that would be good. But.. I'm not much of a coffee person though. I'll just have what you're having?" "No Probs!"

The initial meet up was not nearly as awkward as Jay had envisioned. He had been imagining all sorts of scenarios that would end up horribly wrong. But for a change things were going quite smoothly. The two chatted for a while, until Peter asked Jay if he had told anyone or come out to anyone yet. "No I haven't. I'm really afraid of what might happen if I did. I don't know how my friends and family would react. But I feel so trapped because of it."

"Do what i do, its on a need to know basis." replied Peter. "it wont improve your life or theirs by telling them so why bother. let them keep their ignorance. It'll only complicate their lives and they dont need that
"Yeah I know."
"Well unless of course you want to tell them"
"It's not so much i WANT to tell them. It's just that I feel really guilty. It's kind of hard for me to explain."
"I wouldnt tell mine," said Peter, "As they say, let sleeping dogs lye. But thats just me, and you are your own man".
"Well i guess I'm just concerned with what people would think of me if they found out." explained Jay.
"Dont be to open about it, and if it comes to that, cross that bridge when you get there. That's probalby the best thing to do."

There was a moment of silence before Peter asked "Hey, are you alright Jay?"
"yeah I'm fine. Thanks. Why do you ask?"
"Cool. You sounded a bit worried that's all"
"Nah im okay. Im just a bit confused about myself thats all."
"I know wat that feels like" replied Peter, "I tried to change in the beginning but no matter what i did i couldnt change how i felt, thats just me for better or worse. such is life"
"Yeah. That's pretty much the reason why joined up with that online site. If you can't repress the feelings, why not embrace it and see where things lead"
"That was me as well," added Peter, "and i decided that it would be a pretty bleak life if i spent the whole time pretending to be someone im not."
"Yeah exactly," commented Jay.

"You said you were random and spontaneous yeah?" asked Peter
"well i guess. When im in the mood that is." replied Jay
"How about now?"
"Why what do you have planned?"
"Nothing! Thats why its spontaneous. If you had everything planned, it wouldn't be random or spontaneous anymore would it?"
"I guess your right"
"Lets go for a drive."
"Where too?" asked Jay
"Everywhere, and anywhere I guess. No real destination"
"I guess it won't hurt"

For an hour they drove aimlessy around, through suburbs they've never been to before, and past landmarks they'd never heard of. It had been such a long time since Jay had ever been able to speak so freely about anything and everything to someone else. He felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. It was the most cliche thing ever, but thats just how he felt. For once in his life he was able to think clearly, and have a proper conversation. Although he had only known Peter for less than half a day, Jay felt that it was a start of a good friendship to come, and never regretted skipping his biggest day at uni. Peter was a nice guy. He had his head screwed on, had ambitions and was respectful. His sense of self-confidence was an alluring charm. He had given Jay so much to think about as well as a lot of good advice.

They had driven a fair way out. Jay had no idea where they were. "Hey theres a park up ahead. Did you want to stop there and have a bit of a breather?" asked Peter. "Yeah sure, if you want" replied Jay timidly. "Come on man, I'm not going to stop unless you want to. You can't just do what I want to do. Or what everyone else wants. Don't you have an opinion of your own? What do you want to do?" Jay was taken aback. But Peter was right. For most of his life, Jay had always been somewhat submissive. He never really had his own opinions, sometimes to avoid conflict, other times because he just wasn't that confident and so thought his opinions weren't worthy of being aired. What Peter had just said to Jay was like an awakening. Noone had ever said that to Jay before. Noone had ever made him feel as if his opinions mattered. Jay sat there, without saying a word.

"So whats it gonna be" asked Peter. "Yeah. You know what? Lets stop. It'd be good to get a bit of fresh air. Not to mention save you a bit of fuel" replied Jay with a sense of enthusiasm. "Great! Thats what I wanted to hear" exclaimed Peter. "Wow what is this place?" Jay enquired, "Looks more like a forest or something, not a park". "Yeah it does, doesn't it? Want to go explore?" "Haha you bet!"

Part 3

Peter and Jay had only known each other for a few hours. I guess you could call them friends. Well internet friends at least. Jay had a secret. He never told anyone about it. Well sort of. He may have told Luke and Larissa. But they probably didn't take it seriously. Jay liked guys. At least he thought he did. Because of this secret, he found it hard to make friends, or to be around people, as he felt as if he was consumed by this secret and that he could never really be himself around others. He felt untruthful. After several years at uni, Peter was Jay's attempt at finally stepping out of the dark hole that he was in.

And so the conversation started with:

Jay: how are you?
Peter: good man. u ?
Jay: not too bad. just a bit cold atm
Peter: its like that tonight
Peter: wats ur name if u dont mind me asking
Jay: Jay
Peter: im peter as u have no doubt guessed
Jay: haha yeh
Peter: so wat brings u here
Jay: i dunno really . i guess i just wanted to discover myself a bit more
Peter: good answer i like it
Jay: make some friends i guess
Peter: thats always an upside
Jay: haha yeh. how about you?
Peter: same thing really, you stole my answer

Peter and Jay were the same age, and surprisingly they both had quite a bit in common. After a few hours chatting, they had formed a kind of friendship. They felt they could tell each other things that you wouldn't normally tell a complete stranger. They talked about what they did, where they were from, sexuality and other things. Jay was a student whereas Peter was working in security attempting to save up enough to come back to uni.

Peter: all the best things in life are shared with others, it all good and well to own a ferrari but if there is no one to gork at you as u drive past then there is no excitement in ti for u
Jay: yeh exactly. I enjoy the simple things in life. i like being random and spontaneous
Peter: best things in life are free
Jay: haha yup. like mid night walks :P
Peter: oh yeah. or riding a scooter though a westfield fun fun
Jay: lol! or that too

It was getting late, and Jay had class the next day.

Peter: u still there ?
Jay: yeh sorry im a bit slow atm. just a bit tired and just reading my lecture notes for tomorrow
Peter: lucky u
Jay: me? lucky? pfft. lol
Peter: so you going to uni 2moro?
Jay: yeah 6 hours straight tomorrow !!!
Peter: i bet u can hardly wait
Jay: lol. well if im so lucky , what are you up to tomorrow then
Peter: nothing day off
Jay: haha nice wanna swap?
Peter: u could always skip uni and come hang out with me
Jay: haha that'd be cool
Peter: u know im serious right
Jay: serious?
Peter: yeah if u want to hang out we can. hang out and have fun or six hours of lectures, the choice is yours

Jay's heart was pounding at this point. He didn't know what to do. His head was telling him "NO. You've got class tomorrow", yet his heart was telling him "Yes, go for it!". After about what seemed like an eternity, Jay made up his mind. Uni will just have to wait. Jay now had a date. His first date EVER. He was so nervous yet he was really looking forward to it. He could barely sleep that night.

Part 2

:-( its been almost 5 years since the last time i talked to him. I'm such a stupid idiot.

[11:21:09 PM] The day afte: urgh...i am so hungry
[11:21:24 PM] The day afte: i haven't eaten anithing since my half at
work
[11:22:16 PM] WhY dOnT yOu: u can eat me;)
[11:22:18 PM] WhY dOnT yOu: plenty to go round
[11:22:23 PM] The day afte: :P
[11:22:40 PM] WhY dOnT yOu: u no wat if i was ever gay like gay with
another person itd be wif u
[11:22:45 PM] WhY dOnT yOu: :|
[11:22:47 PM] WhY dOnT yOu: ok do not read that
[11:23:01 PM] WhY dOnT yOu: *isnt quite sure why that was said* but
newho
[11:23:11 PM] The day afte: :P
[11:23:16 PM] WhY dOnT yOu: *sings in embarassments*
[11:23:27 PM] The day afte: *flattered*
[11:23:36 PM] WhY dOnT yOu: i want the warehouse to sell webcams oh
god would i steal one of those !
[11:24:03 PM] WhY dOnT yOu: well i dont really want a webcam cos im
fugly.. but i want u to have a webcam ;)
[11:24:13 PM] The day afte: :-O
[11:24:18 PM] WhY dOnT yOu: *so me can watch u*

If he were gay, like gay with another person, it'd be with me. That was sweet. And he wanted to watch me on webcam 0.o

I was a stupid idiot.

Im gay. Im a homo. Im queer. I like men. I like seeing naked men. Im a bender. Im a fag. yeah whatever.

There i said it.

Why can't I just accept it? Why does it have to be such a big deal? Why can't i just embrace who i am without hating myself? Fuck. Why is everythign so fucking difficult.

Yeah i know i've just admitted to myself that im gay. But i already know that I'm only saying it so that i can pretend to be accepting of myself when i really aren't.

In every grade, there was always a person who was 'invisible'. Sure they were there, they'd go about doing whatever they did everyday, yet noone really notices them. Nicole was one of those people. She was quiet, timid, somewhat introverted and often sat by herself. She was a nice girl, and easily approachable, yet she didn't seem to have very many friends. As the bell rang, she picked up her books and made her way to her next class, SOSE (Study of Society and of the Environment). The previous class had arranged the desks in such a way that they formed a "U" shape around the classroom, with the teachers desk up front. Nicole walked in and sat at the desk closest to the door, towards the front, on the side of the "U". She didn't dare sit in the back, since only the 'cool' kids sat there. She opened up her notebook, and dated it, and sat quietly waiting for the class the begin.

Charlie and Jay were still in the locker room. Charlie and Jay had been mates since 8th grade. In actual honesty, in 8th grade, Jay was a complete loner. He had transferred from a different primary school from most of the other kids. So Jay pretty much knew nobody. Eventually Jay was taken in by Charlie and his group of friends. They've been mates since. Jay was a little bit of a pest at times. He liked to play pranks on his friends, and since he was the shortest and of the smallest build out of this friends, everyone saw him more as a 'little brother' and so despite his annoying antics, they all put up with it.

During lunch break, Jay had gone into Charlies bag and taken out his pencil case, and hid it in his locker. And so when they were supposed to have been in class, Charlie and Jay were still in the locker room, looking for Charlies lost pencil case. "So Charlie, are you sure you didn't leave it in your last class?" asked Jay. "I'm positive!" Charlie exclaimed, with an air of frustration. "You know we're going to be late hey? And it'll all be your fault. You and your silly pencil case!" grinned Jay. "Yeah i know! Shut up already. If i don't find it, im not going to class. I'll just pretned to be sick and go to the sick bay. Now quit your talking and help me find it!" "Alright alright... settle down".

As Charlie went over to the port racks to check if he had dropped his pencil case somewhere, Jay went to his locker, checked to make sure Charlie wasn't looking, and quickly unlocked, took out the pencil case, and locked his locker. He turned around again, and realised Charlie had already seen him. "What are you doing?" inquired Charlie. "Umm.. I was just looking... yeah just looking. Did you find it yet?" Charlie walked over, and snatched his pencil case from Jay. "You little shithead! So it was you the whole time!!" By this time Jay had a sheepish grin across his face that he just couldn't wipe off. "So is this your pencil case? I found it for you!... I swear it wasn't in my locker!" "OUCH!! That really hurt!!" exclaimed Jay as Charlie gave him a friendly punch in the shoulder. "Now come, on, we're already late enough as it is!" said Charlie, as he raced ahead.

By the time the boys got to class, all the 'cool kids' desks had been taken and the only desks free were those adjacent Nicole. "Hurry up boys, get a seat. Your late if you haven't noticed!" boomed Ms Ryan. "Sorry Miss, I had to go get my arm checked out because a 'certain someone' decided that attempting to break my poor little arm was a fun thing to do" replied Jay, jokingly. "You want the other arm broken too?" laughed Charlie as they took a seat. Jay could afford to be a bit of a smart alleck in class and joke around as he was at a good standing with Ms Ryan. In fact Ms Ryan was one of his favourite teachers. And Jay was one of Ms Ryan's favourite students so she was really quite leniant if he didn't do his homework, or came into class late. That's just how it was. Charlie and Jay sat down, beside each other with Jay in the middle between Charlie and Nicole. Nothing intentional, it just happened that way.

Half way through class, Jay got restless, and noticed that Nicole had a stapler shaped like a purple hippo. It looked rather amusing, so without even thinking about it, he reached over and grabbed it, and started playing with it. Nicole looked over at Jay. He smiled back at her. "Thats a really cool stapler. But i'm not sure if hippos are really purple. aren't they more like a ugly blue/grey colour?" Nicole didn't reply, but reached over and grabbed it back off Jay. "Hey! I was playing with that!" exclaimed Jay. "I know, but I want it back!" replied Nicole. "Awww your no fun!"

Since Jay couldn't get the satisfaction of playing with the hippo stapler, he made it his mission for the rest of the class to annoy Nicole as much as possible, to get back at her. It wasn't that Jay wanted to be an asshole or anything - he didn't have any bad motives. All he was trying to do was to get her attention, and possibly the purple hippo back. Noone knew, but Jay secretly sort of liked Nicole. Jay had 'known of' Nicole since 7th grade. She didnt know him though. He only knew her because of a Netball game he went to. We've all heard of the phrase "love at first sight". It was sort of like that except it wasn't so much 'love'. Probably more like "curiousity" at first sight. There was something about Nicole that drew Jay in. He wanted to know more about her. So what about the first 2 years of highschool? Why didn't Jay get to know her then? Well simple. Although Nicole never really had that many friends, she was super tight with the ones she did have, and every time Jay would try to get to know her, she'd shrug him off. Okay well Jay was actually really bad at breaking the ice so it wasn't really all Nicoles fault. But it was like Nicole wasn't really interested, so Jay put 2 and 2 together, and assumed that Nicole simply wasn't into him.

So back in SOSE class, whenever Nicole looked away, Jay would stealthily reach over and grab one of Nicoles assortment of pens and start scribbling with it on his pad, in an attempt to get her to notice. At first she didn't. But he scribbled away even more furiously until she looked over and said "Why are you scribbling all over your page?" "I can if i want to. Its my PEN and my book" "Okay then" "Erhem.. I said its MY PEN?! so i can scribble if i want to" "okay already. i was only asking" "Did you not get the part where i said MY PEN?" "HEY! Thats not your pen! Thats mine. give it back!" "I'll swap it for the hippo then" "No!" "Alright I'll give it back. But can i keep your eraser?" "Hey how'd you get that? I want that back too!"

"Nicole, is there something wrong?" asked Ms Ryan from across the room. Nicole turned to Jay, and gave him a smirk. In his head Jay was thinking "awww please. don't get me in trouble. i was just having a bit of fun" "No miss. I was just asking Jay a question". Relief swept over Jay. "Hey thanks for not dobbing me in. Here you can have it back". "Thankyou".

Then the bell rang to signal the end of class, and the end of the day. Nicole swiftly packed her stuff up and walked out. Jay watched her walk out the door, and through the glass he was certain that Nicole had turned back, and smiled at him. As the two friends walked out of the classroom towards the locker room, Charlie asked "What the hell was all that about before?" "oh nothing. she wouldn't give me the hippo" "what hippo?" "the purple one with metal teeth of course!!" "haha yeah right! You like her don't you?" "No way!!! Besides, shes not my type." "ooooohhh Jay and Nicole sitting in a tree......" "shuttup dude!" "hey stop that!! You punch like a girl you know?" exclaimed Charlie as Jay punched him in the shoulder. "I can also scratch your face off like a girl too if you like" laughed Jay.

The boys got to the lockeroom and packed up their books, grabbed their bags and walked out the school gate. Jay had to go catch a bus where as Charlie got picked up by his mum. "I'll see you tomorrow dude" said Charlie "yeah you too! And remember, double Religion class tomorrow so bring your MP3 player!" called Jay. "Yup no worries. see you dude" "See ya!"

Jay sat at the bus stop by his lonesome as he watched his friends drive pass. It wasn't all bad though, because this was his quiet time.

For a while now Jay had realised that he wasn't the person everyone thought he was. On the outside, he was a happy, cheerful and confident individual, with what seemed to be a rather large group of friends. Everyone seemed to like him, and he really didn't have anyone that he couldn't approach. He never held grudges against anyone and was the type of person who got along with everyone. But deep inside, Jay knew this was all just a front. Within himself, he felt he needed to put up this front - a front to repress what he felt inside, to make it appear as if there were nothing wrong; to hide the guilt, shame and embarrassment. Noone knew.

It was the first day back to highschool, after the mid year break, and Jay made his way to his Maths class. Maths was probably Jay's most hated, yet most liked subject. Jay was a bright student, and breazed through Maths. He liked it because it was he understood it, felt it was logical, and found it easy and saw Maths class as simply a bludge lesson. Yet thats what he hated about it - he'd finish his work early and just sit around day dreaming. Today though, was a different. As the class settled down, Mr Young, the teacher, stood up in front of the class and introduced a new student to the class. Jay looked up, attempted to listen, but then resumed his day dreaming again. Apparently the new guy's name was Brenton? Something along those lines anyway. Brenton must have been new to the school, because Jay had never seen him before.

It was a double period today which meant the lesson was 90 minutes long. An hour into the class, Jay had already completed the assigned work for the day, so he went and asked Mr Young whether he should move onto a new chapter of the textbook. "You've done well today Jay, but I don't want you to get too far ahead of the class, so maybe you can just sit down and relax or do some quiet reading or something" Mr Young explained. "But Sir, I didn't bring a reading book with me," exclaimed Jay. "In that case then, maybe you could help out some of your fellow classmates?" replied Mr Young "Oh perhaps you could give young Brenton over here a hand. He seems to be struggling a bit with the algebra". "Alright, thankyou Sir."

So Jay moved across the room and sat in an empty table beside Brenton. He moved it over so that his desk and Brentons desk were touching. At this point Brenton was looking a little confused, and wondering why this stranger had decided to move in beside him. Jay turned around and introduced himself. "Hey. Im Jay. The teacher told me to come and help you since i've finished my work already. Your Brenton right?" There was a slight pause for a while before Brenton replied "Hi Jay. I don't need any of your help. I'm fine. I know what I'm doing. By the way, the names Brent, NOT Brenton. Geez get my name wrong why don't yah!! So why don't you move along and find someone else to help?" Jay was stunned. Really? Are you for real? Asshole was the first word that immediately came to mind. "Ohh....erm.. I'm really sorry Brent. Sorry to have bothered you. I guess I'll go and help someone else." Just as Jay was about to get up, Brent grabs him by the arm and pulls him back. "Jesus Christ man, I was only joking! Do you take things this serious all the time?". The boys looked at each other and laughed. "I do take things too seriously don't I?" laughed Jay. "Hey I need your help doing these stupid functions. They make zero sense to me. And I don't want to have to finish them off for homework. How about I do you a deal? If you help me finish these questions before the lessons over, I'll let you be my best friend for the day.. How does that sound?" asked Brent. "Keep me company for the last half hour and you've got yourself a deal" replied Jay with a stupid grin on his face.

It wasn't exactly a typical day for Jay. He made a new friend (well even if it was only for a day) and for once he didn't have to act like somebody else. With Brent he just clicked, and conversation just flowed naturally. For the rest of the day they each had different classes, but Jay took the time to show him around the school during the breaks. He also found out that Brent was also in two of his other classes - namely Business Principles and Word Processing. Brent also took the liberty of introducing Jay to two other people who used to go to the same primary school as him. Well it wasn't really an introduction, because Jay already knew these people. Wait thats not right.. Jay knew OF these people, because they were in the same grade, but didn't really know them personally. But thanks to Brent he made 2 more friends.