Empty Spaces

Yeah, i know :-) but it was signing in and out for a reason!! To get your attention.. and yeah i guess it worked!

You know, you make me happy when i talk to you. You somewhat fill that void inside me, that emptiness thats always there. But i don't get you sometimes. Why do you ignore me all the time, when clearly i know that you are there. Do i really annoy you that much that you don't want to talk to me unless YOU feel like it? Is it so crazy that I want your company that badly that i have to do stupid things to get your attention just so I can have someone to talk to?

You're probably not worth it, but sometimes i feel so insecure and worthless, and think that im not good enough to have anyone else's friendship. Like seriously, who'd want to be my friend? What do i have to offer? Im pretty much a nobody. Maybe subconsciously i dont think im good enough, and downplay myself so that i don't attract attention to the aspects of myself that i don't feel 100% about. I seek peoples approval. Perhaps its a fear of rejection?

So you see, what it basically means is that when you talk to me, its like getting your approval that im not so worthless, and that i do have some sort of merit as a person. But then when you decide to ignore me again, its like handing a lolly to a baby, and then stealing it back off of it. It really does cut me up inside.

I feel so crazy that im even making any of this into any sort of a deal. I feel like this issue is so petty, yet why do i get so emotional over it.

I think i might be blurring the lines between a "Friend" and "Boyfriend". See, I never intended for you to be anything more than a "Friend" but on that same token, in my mind, i secretly wanted you to be my "Best Friend". A "Best Friend" that i've never had. Someone i could share secrets with, hang out with and just do normal things that good friends do. But just you and me. Something stupid and clique like in the movies. Maybe the reason im getting so cut up over this whole issue is that my wanting a best friend is somewhat merging into me wanting a partner - e.g BF/GF type thing. I've never had a girlfriend before much less a boyfriend, so i guess i've never gotten to experience this type of relationship before so me wanting a best friend type relationship with you is somewhat unintentionally turning into me wanting you to be my boyfriend. Its confusing...


On the issue of friends, i don't really feel comfortable in big groups. i subconsciously put on a 'front' when im around a large group of people. Maybe its to show that im 'okay' - that there is no apparent 'weakness'. I use this front so i dont feel vulnerable. Which in reality, i do. These people, although i know OF them and they know OF me, i don't feel anyone really KNOWS me. and i don't KNOW these people. I feel like i don't belong.

When we talk, i don't feel so insecure and vulnerable. I feel that i don't have to put up this front. I can be who i really am without feeling any sort of guilt or shame or embarrassment.

Why do i feel this way with you? Well i've thought about it - and it may sound pretty untasteful, but i think that you're really nothing too special either, so in a sense i feel like an equal with you. Whereas with everyone else i feel inferior. I don't know why though. Maybe its fear of rejection. fear of humiliation, embarrassment, fear of always being substandard,...i don't know. Im kinda lost for words and i don't really know how to convey what i feel.

I really just needed to get this off my chest. I know you'll never read this, but secretly im wishing that you do, so you have some sort of insight into what im going through.

Should i just ask you why you don't respond to me? or is that too direct? Maybe you'll just ignore me even more. I don't know...

Ps.... i wish i had a close friend to whom i could just TALK to without feeling resentment, embarassment or guilt. I thought i had one a while ago, but after spillin my guts to him one time, he goes and blabbers it all to some other people ..."omg i had to sit through his bla bla deep and meaningfuls bla bla bla his life sotry bla bla bla.."

prick...

Don't you just hate it when you say that you'll "do it" tomorrow, but then when tomorrow comes you just couldn't be assed doing what you were supposed to have done yesterday?

Thats exactly how i am with my uni study. I've been putting it off since Friday.

I ask myself.. why don't you just do the damn work already? I don't know. Maybe because its boring and i just dont want to. But maybe theres something more to it.

I feel like my whole degree has been pretty pointless. Its been mainly theory and essay writing and researching. Nothing has ever really been practical. And i guess thats why i find myself not really relating to well to my studies as im more of a 'doer'. I like practical things and i like keeping myself busing DOING things and seeing results. Give me some electronic device to pull apart and I'd pull it apart and put it back together in an instant. Give me something broken to try to fix, and i'll do it. Heck i even tried soldiering broken contacts in my old monitor with a clothes iron! But tell me to sit down and do some study and rest assured a week can go by and i'd still not have it done.

It really bothers me that i feel this way towards my studies. Im beginning to think that this isnt' really what i want to do. If i could go back in time and change what degree i was going to study, i'd probably do either architecture, industrial design or graphic design/multimedia/photography. Its too late to be thinking about that stuff now though, because im already in my last year of my 5 year business degree.

very disheartening to learn that you know longer have any interest in what you're studying.

Another reasons for me not wanting to do my study that i've conjured up is:
- Im so desperately just wanting to do something with someone that i just sit here all day thinking about things i COULD be doing with SOMEONE else that i just don't do any work.

You know, its pretty silly that i think that, because when i do get invited out by friends, i don't really want to go. - i should probably explain my reason for this in more detail but i'll explain this bit in a different post.

*sigh*

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In other news I was chatting with TN on msn before. I really like him yet he really annoys the hell out of me. When we talk, its always gotta be about something. Most of the times its about mobile phones, android, various isp's and how they suck etc or something he's found on whirlpool forums. Which is okay but sometimes it gets boring. Sometimes i really don't care what the latest revision of firmware he's just downloaded to his phone includes that the old version didn't. I just want to talk to him. See how his day has been. Have him ask me how I've been. But no.. He's never asked me how i've been. Its always me askin him. And then he'd just reply with some short response that took him a whole 2 secs to think up. Something like "yeh good. u?". And then he'll change the subject. urgh..

Seriously i thought i was pretty socially retarded, but he seems a bit worse off. Or maybe he just doesn't want to talk to me. I feel like thats the main reason sometimes. Im becoming too attached to TN. He's probably one of the only reason i go on MSN anymore really.

I got invited out tonight, not sure whats happening though. Will let you know next time i update.

Well continuing on from the last post, I had an awesome day that day. There were a few niggles which annoyed me, but apart from that, the positive experiences that day far outweighed the negatives.

That weekend, we had planned to go to Stradbroke Island (an island about 1.5hours southeast of Brisbane) for a camping trip. But those plans were disrupted when i realised that I had an exam that Saturday. Yeah i know, the exam timetables have been out for yonks, but I really didn't want to think about it and assumed the exam was either at 8am or 9am like my other exams. But it wasn't. It was at 12pm. So that would mean i wouldn't be back until around 2pm. Which my friends thought were a bit too late to go.

So we settled on just a day out. Which was fair enough. Better a day out than nothing at all. Plans were made and we had set the time to meet each other at Roma st station in the city at 7.30am to catch the 7.49am train out. Me being quite the punctual one, and having a phobia of being late, i left home at 6.40am, thinking that everyone else would have been mindful of when we were supposed to meet.

So I get there just a bit before 7.30. Noone is there yet. So i sit a while. Its now 7.49 and the train is here, but I still haven't seen my friends yet. Then i get a call. They're running late and have missed their train in. >.< gahhh.. so we now have to wait an hour for the next one.. Good on you guys!!! I can see your so totally prepared and organised. meh whatever.. They finally got here a few minutes later. I guess their being late was good for me in the sense that i was able to go to maccas to grab a bite to eat, since i didn't have breakfast.

So after food, train came and we headed out. My FUCKING god, that train trip was long....an hour!!! geez i seriously think even the train down to the gold coast was quicker.

Oh one embarrasing thing i forget to mention.. haha... well while at the platform waiting for the train, i was thinking about him..lets call him TN. TN is this guy I met from a car club. Although not the best lookin guy, he's kinda cute and we get along pretty well. He makes me happy when we talk. But he seems to only talk to me when he wants. Kind of like im only his friend when he feels like it. Anyway i had invited him to come along, but he didn't want to... blah.. he never comes to anything i invite him to.

continuing on... i was thinking about him. and for some silly reason my mind wandered and i ended up with a hard-on....(yeh if u don't already know, im a homo... yeh whatever.. big deal...nah seriously i don't really know what i am.. im still in questioning. im emotionally confused - which is partly why i created this blog so that i could open up my feelings instead of bottling them up).. just as the train came... urgh.. i was wearing really thin board shorts too so i had a prominent bulge. Luckily i had my bag with me, which i put infront of myself to cover it up. glad noone noticed.. i've heard of morning wood.. but this is ridiculous.. especially in public.. haha

Cutting things short, saw a cute boy on the train.. (refer to previous post), 1 hour later caught a bus to the ferry terminal and then a 30min boat ride later, we were there on Straddy. It was raining which annoyed me because i didn't come here for it to rain on me. Then got on another bus (which the bus driver was quite rude!) and headed out to the main beach and lookout area.

Surprisingly when we got there the rain had passed and it was a beautiful sunny day. We did the whole touristy gorge walk and taking photos etc. Then after that we decided to get some lunch. There were 4 of us, and we were all hungry. Except 2 of them, lets call them MK and MI were very undecided on what they wanted... OMFG there was only two options! a fish and chip store, or a bakery... how the F can u still be undecided? Frustrated and hungry we walked around for a bit, until i told my other friend, AB that i'm just gonna go order some fish and chips regardless of what MK and MI want to do because i was epically hungry. He said he agreed and said he'd order with me cos he was hungry too. MK and MI finally came to their senses and followed on with us and made their order. Apart from that no other dramas.. the food was pretty good.

We now decided that we wanted to go to the beach, so a bus ride later, we got to the main swimming beach, Cylinder beach.. at first i thought it was pretty ugly. But the longer i stayed there, the more i started to appreciate beautiful it really was. I hated salt water, and had initially said that i wasnt going to swim. I also said i wasn't going to take my shirt off because i didn't want to be burnt to a crisp. a bit of convincing later, there i was shirtless and in the water.

I have to say though, WOW. Im glad they did get me in the water. It was so beautiful. The water was crystal clear, water termperature was perfect and even 100m out i could still stand up - heck even the salt water wasn't as salty as i thought it would have been. I stayed in the water for a couple of hours, and then we came out to relax on the sand for a bit. MI and I made marine creatures out of sand. While AB and MK played some beach soccer with some brazilian guys we had met doing the gorge walk. :-)mm eyecandy... a few of them wore nothing but skimpy trunks which didn't really leave much to the imagination.

MI and I decided to go back into the water. We stayed there until eventually the beach closed. We got changed and got eaten by mosquitoes as we waited for the bus back to the ferry. about 2 hours later we were back in brissy and went to a cheap restaurant for dinner. I wanted to go to pancake manor after that for dessert but noone else wanted to so we all just disbanded and went home. Kind of dissapointed but i was so tired at that stage that i didn't really care.

Anyway all in all, it was an amazing day. I gained a great appreciation of the beach and of the ocean, plus i got to stare at quite a few hotties. The only thing i keep wondering is how much better the day would have been if TN had come along.

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Today though was a pretty ordinary day. 5 Hours of uni straight.. urgh.
In between classes, i went into the toilet to take a leak, and caught two guys playing with each other.. :-) *dirty thoughts* haha.

Had an amazing day today. I gained a new appreciation of something I thought I'd never like.

I also saw a cute boy on the train today. I really wanted to stare at him, but I was too afraid to look him in the eyes in case he saw me. So i looked at his reflection in the window. It made me happy.

Im heaps tired now so you'll just have to wait until I have the energy to write more about my day.

yeh u said u weren't gonna drink...

but man it was a special occasion. Seeing an old mate again in like 5 years.

Remember u gotta get up early tomorrow cos u have to be in the city by 7.30.

urgh.. this is not going to be fun. 3 hours of sleep the night before.

Yup... you deserved it... now don't you wish you had tried a bit harder?

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I promise i'll put more effort into it next time. I've only got one more chance. I hope i can make it up.

You know, its interesting to go back in time. To recall past events and situations. How you dealt with them. How they came about. How they could have gone, had you changed your actions. Its really quite nostalgic.

But is it really worth reminiscing about the past? Thats what it is - the past is the past, and theres nothing i can do to change it. So why bother even bringing it up or 'digging up old bones' so to speak. Maybe its because what's happened in the past, has shaped the present. What i am now is a direct result of what things that have been forged in the past. So if this is true, then if there was some way to go back in time and change things, I would be a different person?

Maybe i should just learn to let go of whats already gone. I should have the courage to look forward, and forge a new beginning.

The clock is ticking, and my exam is looming so I had better go. Wish me luck. Actually don't. If i don't do well then its my own fault for not studying hard enough.