How to Arrange Everything inside a Big Closet?
8 years ago
Sometimes i'll wake up and just feel completely down and out for no particular reason whatsoever. This morning is one of those. I wish i could quantiify how i actually feel in words, but i just cant seem to. In slowly loaing my mind and my ability to communicate.
Its 4am in the morning and im wide awake not able to get back to sleep. I feel such a deep disconnection with the world around me. I had a random dream just before i woke up. I was back in highschool, out on a field. Somehow i ended up being part of a soccer/football team. I was goal keeer. Not a very good one though. I failed to save any balls watsoever. I felt so embarrassed, guilty and ashamed of myself. I felt i had let the team down. It was wasnt a great moment for me, and i felt so bad about it that i had to fight back tears. It wasnt my fault i kept telling myself.
All my life i'd never been good at sports. Not because i didnt like sports but becausei dont believe i was ever afforded.the opportunity. As a kid my parents were working pretty much 5am to 7pm and as a result i'd have to take care of my siblings. I never had the chance to do any afterschool extra curricular activities. Was never really part of a team. I also suffered from asthma, which due to lack of correct knowledge for my situation and little time, my parents kept me from.doing physical activities that could trigger my asthma.
During my time at in primaary school, i could never remember why i wasnt in any sports team. I recall one time i was out on a field playing soccer. It was like i was just placed there. I didnt know what to do. I didnt know the rules. Noone had taught me. After the game, all i can remember was that all these older kids calling me names and one name that i remember to this day was 'faggot'. I was called a faggot even tho i had no idea what it meant. It wasnt a good feeling, and ever since then i guess i was so afraid of being abused that i avoided team sports for the rest of my time at school. Id tell my parents to write in letters.to.excuse me from doing any sports, using my asthma as.a reason.
During that time when i was younger, i never really had.many friends. Was never really included in anything. My best friend was a girl called Kim. Sports teams were gender separated so whenever sports.day came, i felt i had lost my best friend for the day. I was so ashamed and embarrassed being with the guys. I was afraid of the things they'd do or say to me. I'd always be chosen last. I dreaded sports so much. Not because i didnt like it but because i was afraid. fraid because i didnt know how to play. Afraid of letting people down. Afraid of being verbally abused after the game. I dont think the teachers did anything about it. They just tokd me not to listen.
The dream i had made me think. I was so afraid being the goal keeper. But what was i afraid of? I was afraid of failure. Afraid to let others down. Afraid at what was coming to me.
I only just realised then, that ive had confidence issues all my life. I was afraid of. Humiliation and rejection so i pusshed it all away. I tried to keep as far away from team sports as i could.
And i deeply regret it now. I never got a chaance to form relationships. I never got a chance to interact with the other guys. I never had a chance to feel wat it felt like to be part of a team. To win as a team. To lose as a team.
I feel so disconnected. Sports is such a big part of normal life and i feek like im missing that entire chunk of my life. Im missing the confidence, the energy and the passion. I guess this is a.reason i feel so awkward and uncomfortable around other guys.
Right now i feel like because i've lost this part of my life, that anything i do in the future will be severely affected. Im almost graduTed and i feel that in any future workplace i'll be in, i may be ostracised from the rest of my co-workers, esp the males, as sports is a common bond most people will share. A bond that i lack. And then i would get stereotyped. They'll probably say "oh he desnt like sports because he's gay". I dont like sports because i was never given the opportunity to like it.
I feel so detachdd and like im missing an entire chunk of me. I live in fear. Im afraid.
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4 comments:
Well, then I should be ostracized. I never played sports, save one season playing (American) football, which I hated because I was no good at it. I hate most sports today, and play none. When the guys get talking about them, I just shut up and listen. If they think I'm gay because I don't spend every hour of every day that I'm not working playing fantasy sports, or watching 4 games a day on TV, then so what.
On another note: Have you been back to the therapist? I hope so. You've proven to yourself that you can't solve all your issues yourself, and we certainly aren't qualified here to do more than listen, offer support, and maybe suggestions, but a pro can work wonders given a chance. Please go back if you haven't.
Peace <3
Jay
Yeah, I developed an interest in football to have something to share with them. I never tell them how I erotic I find the physicality (of AFL).
But I'm not one of the boys, I'll never be one, and I'm glad. That competitive machismo, the jokes always at the expense of someone else, and the way they talk about women. Not for me. There's always a few fellow outsiders to share my coffee with. But my real friends live in a different world.
Don't feel out about not have a interest in sport or not knowing anything about sport. There is some people straight & gay that don't have an interest in sport. Like Jay said when they start talking about something sport related keep quiet & with time you will get a few pointers that you can comment on in future conversations.
I personally do not have any interest in sport, but over time & listening to them talk I've learned how the scoring works & grown to understand it. I won't go out of my way to watch & usually pick up on the score from the news on TV or radio. Then if you know the team that someone you know follows has won or lost, you can comment by saying I see so-in-so won that was good going (something like that) But back at the ranch I don't have a cooking clue as to what happened in the game. If that person is a sporting fan would usually take over the conversations & then you just say "uh ha", "yes", "that was good".
Picture a woman giving a fake orgasm, "was that as good for you as me?" :)
Do the easy out thing. Grab a book from the libray and read how the most popular sport came about, scores, etc. Pick a team to "support" and keep a check on how they are doing. All thats really required to talk sports, is to pick a team, and express unwavering, die hard love for this team. Go buy a shirt from this team, and wear it occassionally.
Also, are their any gay team sports in your area? See if you could join one, tell them you are a total beginner to sport, but are willing to learn. If nothing else, you might make a load of new friends!
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