Empty Spaces

I have a friend, who we'll call Hayden. I met him a few months ago, at a university society event. While there, we did the meet and greet thing, and then as usual, we all dissapated into our usual comfort groups. So after I introduced myself and we had an obligatory 'breaking the ice', we both wondered off, me to my comfort group, and him to another random group. Im not sure he knew anyone though, because he was an international student, who had only been in Australia for less than 2 weeks. For the rest of the night, I didnt really have much contact with him.

At the end of the night, most people were pairing up and leaving, with the majority of them taking the same form of transportation. It sucked beecause most of the people lived in an opposite direction to where i lived, so that meant i would be commuting home by myself. That was until i noticed Hayden. He was standing there by himself, im assuming hoping that someone else was travelling his way. It looked highly unlikely as by now almost all the people had left. I walked up to him and asked him where he was going. And to my surprise, his station was the station before mine. So i offered to take the train with him.

It was a short ride, but before we got off, we exchanged numbers. After that though, i never heard from him again, and he never replied to my text message. I was slightly dissappointed. A few weeks later, I walked onto a bus, on my way to a get together with an old friend from college. As i walked towards the back of the bus, i noticed from the corner of my eye, some random guy looking at me. I didn't think much of it. I turned into the window and stared out. But i could see his reflection, in the window - he was staring at me. It was a little creepy. Then he got up, walked towards me, and taps me on the shoulder, and asks me if we've met before.

To my surprise, it was Hayden. He told me that he had lost his phone and didn't have my number anymore. So we exchanged details again, and had a quick chat, before he got off at the next stop. Since then, we've been hanging out a bit, more so now that its university holidays. I really like him a lot. He's a really nice guy, and for some reason, he's insane enough to come walking around the city aimlessly with me. We also went for a random midnight drive, with no desitnation or purpose in mind. Noone else has ever wanted to do anything spontaneous and random with me.

I guess i dont feel as lonely as I used to be anymore. But heres the problem:

Whenever anyone takes an interest in me, I just fall for that person. Its hard to explain, but its like I want to be more than just friends with that person. Sometimes im afraid that I'll overstep the line of being just friends. Im afraid that I might become too clingy and too needy. Im afraid that I'm unsure of whether i truly like this person for himself, or whether I only like him because of the attention he's shown me. I dont know what to do. What makes things worse is that in the back of my head, Im secretly hoping that he likes guys too.

He confuses me. On his FB profile, he is in a relationship with another guy. but he is interested in women. I asked him about this profile, and he said that the relationship status was only a joke. He also added "i'm not gay if thats what you're wondering". Yes thats exactly what i was wondering....too bad i said, because "it wouldn't have mattered to me whether you were or you weren't".

A few nights ago, I messaged him, saything that I was really bored and wanted to get out of here, even if it meant i got wet from the rain. (its been raining heaps recently). A few nights later, i got a text message from him, pretty much saying the same thing - that he was really bored and wanted to do something, even if he got wet by the rain. So.....right?? what am i supposed to think of that?

We went on a random drive two nights ago, and we ended up on a lookout over the city. Problem was, it was a saturday night. and the only people who were on that lookout at that time, were couples. Smooching away at each other. Awkward. He was the first to mention it - "dude, we look like a gay couple". I kind of just chuckled a bit, and said "right.. in that case, you stay here, and i'll go over there". But he followed me.

I mentioned that it did feel a bit awkward, and that now i was getting a bit paranoid. Im not sure why, but he chipped in with "oh I'm NOT gay by the way". After admiring the view for a little while, he mentioned that he was a bit cold, and i said yeah it is a bit chilly. He then followed with "I dont need you to warm me up btw" jokingly. Right....

I have a horrible gaydar. its like it was an optional extra when i was being made, that i never got. Im not sure if he's tryign to throw hints at me or whether im just misinterpreting his actions. But whatever he's doing, its really confusing me.

I want to hang out with him, because i feel happy when i do, but when im with him, im afraid that i want something more out of it. :( why can't i just be normal and be contempt with being just friends. I dont know how to be just a friend :-((. Because of this, I dont want to be around him. But then it makes me sad because i dont like being alone.

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I feel empty. I feel like nothing is real. I smile for the sake of smiling. I laugh for the sake of laughing. Im emotionally dead. There is nothign i really truly feel happy about. Most of the times, happiness is simply the absence of sadness.

I feel like a zombie because of my lack of emotions. What i also lack is my own opinions. For some reason, i take everythign for granted, and dont have my own views or convictions on anything. Its so hard to say, and i feel horrible for saying so, but it could be because i dont care enough for anything to have any opinions or convictions about things. Why do i have a lack of caring? I feel like a robot.

I need to see someone about my problems.