Empty Spaces

I hate my writing style. Its so inconsistent. It's like I go from present tense to past tense, first person to third person all the time. I'm so messed up I can't even write properly anymore.

I read in the MX that some Prime Minister had to have a hole cut in his head to relieve pressure on his brain. I think i need that same operation. Life gives me headaches.

Or so i thought...

I went to pay for something the other day using my credit card (it's actually a debit Mastercard) and for some reason it kept getting declined. I was sure I had money on there, but when I went online to check my balance, I found that the balance was $0.00. My previous balance was around $200. The transaction details and reference weren't recognisable, and also the date of the transaction was suspicious, since that date was the night before my last exam, so I couldn't have gone on a spending spree. The other suspicious thing was that the amount charged to my credit card was the exact amount that was remaining in my balance.

I went to the bank and asked them to check my transactions and to see if they could track down where the money had been charged from. Slightly embarrassing, as ALL of my transactions showed up, including some rather inappropriate ones that I shall not disclose. Anyway the guy at the bank told me it was a PayPal charge.

I go back home, and check my PayPal history.....NOTHING. I hadn't used my PayPal account for over a month. So I call up the bank again, and the representative said that I need to call PayPal directly. She gave me the direct number, so I ring it, and explain to the rep the charges to my card. She was just as confused as I was, as their records didn't indicate anything. So I was referred back to my bank.

I ring up the bank again, and this time I ask the rep to check again to confirm the Charger, and that it was definitely NOT PayPal. She checks, and then tells me that it is indeed NOT PayPal, but a "Direct-Marketing Firm". And that's when it clicked.. DUHHH. A few months ago, my sister asked me to order a skincare product off the net for her. Before I put through the order, I made sure that she understood that it was one of those recurring charge things, where they send you out a new shipment every 3 months and charge your credit card for the amount outstanding, and that she'd have to cancel the membership before the renewal date. She told me that she'll do it, so I assumed that she had.

WRONG...

So now I'm down by about $200.... that money was supposed to be used on my flight back home. Im so annoyed. I suppose I could send it back for a refund when the product arrives, but that'd mean I'll lose another $30 on postage. I think I might just keep it for myself, since I'm kinda running low on skincare products anyway.

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So today, we took my american cousin to Southbank to the modern arts gallery. The main display was the lifelike human sculptures by Ron Mueck. Definitely worth the $10. After that I suggested that we take the CityCat back to my uni, and I'll show him around the campus. But my sister, again in all her bitchiness shot me down and went on about how I was acting all high and mighty just because I go to UQ. She made it out as if I looked down upon all NON-UQ'ers - especially her because she goes to QUT. But thats so not true. She was so belittling and she made me feel as if my opinions didn't matter. My plans were to show my cousin around the UQ campus and then go to the Pizza cafe if it was open. I'm sure my cousin wouldn't have minded, and i think he was actually pretty keen to check out the campus since he told me that he saw some pictures and it looked really nice. But after what my sister said to me, in front of not only him, but also a few other friends and everyone else in that stupid coffee shop, I suddenly lost interest. I just wanted to run away and not come back. Just go and die in a hole somewhere. I might be overreacting, but you know, when you pretty much have no friends, you'd expect that your real life sibling would be there for you. Its the complete opposite. The deeper i crawl into the hole that is loneliness, I would expect that she'd be there to try and pull me out. But the way she treats me makes me want to crawl even further in. She lives life completely oblivious to how im currently feeling. I know I'm probably not best brother, and i may have said things that i shouldnt have said, but I realise that and I do try to be nicer and try and mend things. But its like she doesn't acknowledge this and always tries to shoot down everything i do or say. I feel i can't have a conversation with her without it turning into an argument. Also i feel that i can't talk about anything to anyone, especially not her. I have no close friends to talk to either. It all sucks...

So yeah, where were we? Right so my idea was scrapped and instead we had burgers at "Grilld" in South Bank. I had a kiddy burger because i wasn't hungry. After that we just came home.

And yeah i since we didn't go to my campus, i decided that I'd call up the bank to find out what was up with my credit card. So in the end, it wasn't fraud. Just my stupid sister..This time i'll make sure she cancels that membership while im there.

PS.. i want to move to sydney. the harbour is so much more beautiful than the ugly brisbane river.

I went to Sydney for a few days. It was awesome. Except for her and her bitchy attitude which gave the trip a very sour aftertaste.

Im back in Brissy again and I dont' know what I want to do. Should i stay here? or fly back home? I want to go home. But i also just want to stay here by myself and i dunno, destress, relax, watever.

The title says it all..

Today shall be known as "Happy Day"

But only for today.

So when you talk to someone online, and you say BRB, and then you come back, is it even worth letting them know your back, if you know that they really don't care?

I wish I'd never met you TN.

I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to be by myself. Away from everything. I want to fade away into the night. I want to disappear and never come back.

Fark I hate everything. I just don't see the point of anything anymore. I'm angry. At nothing. At everything. At myself. It's a feeling that i just can't describe in words.

I went all day without talking to anyone.

I hate life at uni. I hate how I have no one to talk to. No one to sit with. Its so boring. I sat by myself on a bench for an hour. Doing nothing. Just sitting there. Absent minded.

After not talking for a day it is hard to start again. My vocal cords have gone into hibernation and aren't ready to awake from their slumber. It's a chore to talk. I wish i was telepathic. Communication by thought.

But its like that most days I'm at uni. I leave home, and for several hours a day I am without a voice. It doesn't really matter because I am a nobody anyway while I'm there.

Okay so more procrastination and this is what i've dug up... it almost brought me to tears just reading it :-( I went to a catholic highschool, and every year, we go on a 'retreat' which is sorta like a camp except we dont get to do fun stuff like normal camps. We just sit around talking about things.

The year coordinator said that we were in for a surprise this year - and that surprise was a letter from our parents. :-( except I never got one from my parents. Which is a little bit sad. So instead these were the letters i got instead.





The first letter was from 2 of my mates, the second from 2 of my female friends and the last from my year coordinator. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't get a bit emotional after reading these. All afternoon, i had been wondering where my mates had got to, and whenever I did manage to find them, they'd seem to ignore me, and then just walk away. I sort of had a fight with one of them, so i just thought that he hadn't gotten over it yet.

It was a bit like a punch in the face to learn what was really going on though - although it was a good punch in the face. I wrote a letter back to each of my friends, but I never had the guts to give it to them.

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I also came across these: My pay slips (blurred for anonymity) from my time working during highschool. I worked my two senior years, 2004-2005. It turns out that I made about $10,500 in that time.

:-) and just a random donation book i made, in an attempt to raise money for me to buy a new phone.





Anyway, I've put all my old junk back now. I dont know why i was lookin around there in the first place.