Empty Spaces

Lets say we were to visualise everything in my head, all my thoughts, insecurities, and issues and suppose we form a shape out of them. Instead of a cube, or other shape where there are discrete and easily identifiable faces, my mind would be best represented by a sphere. Where there is seemingly just one face, one surface, that melds together to form the three dimensional object. My problems and my issues are represented by this sphere. As much as I wish I could identify singular personal issues and attempt to deal with them, I can't. I can't because one issue, is linked in with another issue, linked in with another issue. I can't seem to deal with any one thing in isolation without having to deal with every other issue that i have at the same time. And so its either I just do nothing at all, or face an avalanche of person problems all at once.

There is a lot on my mind and there is a lot of things that I want to say, but the moment I try to, it gets lost within a sea of other thoughts and worries. My thoughts and worries and insecurities paralyses me. There are a lot of pent up feelings within that run vividly through my body, but yet I'm unable to describe how I am feeling with words. I am at loss with words. Escapism is a temporary but necessary course of action if I am to maintain my sanity. It's a double edge sword though, as I end up appearing apathetic, mindless, neutral, boring, single-minded and unintelligent.

I am trapped. I'm leading a life that keeps the peace, while slowly destroying the very essence of who I am. My soul yearns for something that it is told it can't have. I try to understand my place in this world, my purpose in this life. It feels like a lifetime of fence-sitting. I watch the world move pass me, I get to see the journey and hardships of others, and I witness their joy and happiness when they overcome their obstacles. And yet here I am, still paralysed, going around in an infinite loop with no progress whatsoever.

I make concessions for others and I give of myself; in hopes that I may receive reciprocation. Perhaps its not productive or fair to make the assumption that I should expect the same from others. I deserve to be happy too. My happiness however, may very well ensure that my biggest fear eventuates. It's overwhelming and a huge burden to have when you are made to feel that someone else's suffering and emotional well-being is a result of your trying to achieve happiness and joy in your life. The constant emotional blackmail paralyses, and leaves no room to move.

I have this intense, almost selfish, innate need for some sort of connection with another soul. All my life I've been made to believe and accept as true, that I am insignificant as an individual. I gain no happiness or joy in being alone. I am alone. I crave an interaction with another compatible soul, and to be able to give of myself to someone who can reciprocate my deep and honest feelings. I am insecure. The thought that no one really cares. The concept of the individual is hard for me to understand or accept. My feelings and thoughts and understandings are biased towards a concept of relationships and interconnectedness. At the moment however, I am lead to believe I am alone. An empty void opens inside me.

My sense of right and wrong is determined by how something makes me feel. Other circumstances where no feelings are invoked, there is a sense of neutrality, and in these cases, morality is often determined by status quo. There is no innate ability within me to be able to make such distinctions. I can't join the dots. And so I place responsibility of joining to dots to the external world. In much the same sense, my perception of myself is determined externally. Lack of positive external affirmation results in less than positive self-assessment.

Words in my head at the moment that could be used to describe myself: different, outcast, unwanted, void, unloved, ugly, slut, unstable, emotional, needy, selfish, self-hate, misunderstood.