Empty Spaces

Its 5:12am in the morning. I went to bed at around 2am. Im up and awake. Seriously, I've had the worst 3 hours, laying in bed, with everything, with nothing, running through my head. Laying there tossing and turning trying to fall asleep. Drifting in and out of sleep. Fading in and out of a dream world and the real world.

In those 3 hours, I had an epiphany.

At work just a few hours before that, Nick had asked to use my phone to text one of his friends, since he had run out of credit on his phone. Knowing me, and after a past incident, I NEVER let anyone touch my phone or my computer. But just this once, I let him, trusting that he would not violate my personal privacy by going through my messages or looking through my phone.

I get nervous whenever anyone asks to use my phone or computer. I get anxious that they'll accidentally open up a message or a bookmark that would ultimately spill the secret that i've held so close to me.

I was in bed when i got several messages come through on my phone. THey were from Nick. He was asking of a huge favor of me. He needed a place to stay, just for the night. So I agreed, and replied back and told him he could stay on the sofa for the night, and sent him my address.

When nick arrived, there was someone with him. A female friend of his. We had never agreed to this, but apparently she also needed a place to stay. Reluctantly I agreed that she could also stay, and pretty soon we all ended up on the fold out bed just chatting. I was on the far left side, Nick was in the middle, and his friend was on the far right side of the rather small and uncomfortable fold out bed. It was getting late so we decided to turn out the lights. Just as the lights were turned out, nick realised he needed to grab something that was laying on the ground beside the bed. He sort of tried to cross over me, but somehow ended up with his arms around me and spooning me.

I turned around and faced him, and asked him what he was doing. He didn't say anything, but i could imagine him smiling back at me in the dark. We kissed. One thing led to another and what originally was a 'twosome' became a 'threesome' with his friend joining in.

It was an intense feeling, being able to be with nick. Although it was quite a sexual situation, the feelings I had, really had nothign to do with lust or pleasure. I felt safe with nick. Secure. A feeling of worth, and love. The feeling that i was no longer alone. I guess you could say it made me feel complete.

Nicks friend persistently tried to get in on the action with me, but I kept pushing her away, and focusing on Nick. I had never felt this way about women before. It just felt so surreal. I have always been alright with seeing female in the nude and the thought of having sex with a female had never bothered me at all in the past, sometimes it actually turned me on. But tonight, I felt something that I had never felt before. I felt an immense repulsion towards her advances on me. I was happy with where i was with Nick, and I didn't want her to come between us. I was complete and didn't need a third.

After that Nick whispered in my ear, and asked me to keep this between the two of us. I promised him.

For some reason we all ended up in a room. My sister was in the room, as well as my younger brother, in addition to nick, his friend, and another two guys who i didn't know. There was idle conversation in the room when one of the guys mentioned Nick and I. I glanced over to Nick, and he gave me a disapproving look, as if to tell me not to say anything. Just before I could answer, my sister turned to me, and asked me "Is there something you want to tell me?" The random guy who had just asked about Nick and I chipped in with "Oh you know, it was so obvious."

"Why are you asking me this?" i answered, in response to both my sisters question and to random guy. "Because i dont want this to go on anymore. Im sick of all the lies and the fights and the trouble" my sister answered. All eyes were on me at this point, and i felt so under pressure and so vulnerable like i've never been before. My eyes started filling with tears, but I held them back, and tried to act as if none of this was true. I wouldn't look anyone in the eyes and I started talkinga bout something else that was completely unrelated. Yet everyone still had their eyes on me, waiting for my reply. So close to tears i was, and so close to just bursting. A million things were running through my mind and i was tryign to stay calm, making up a list of pros and cons in my head and tryign to assess the situation to try and find some way out or at least some sort of damage control.

Then my brother, who had not said a word until this point looked over at me, and said to me, "you know, they're right. You've always been so scared of trouble. Scared of what people say and always wanting to avoid having to deal with the truth, so you tell people what they want to hear".

Those words echoed in my mind. I didn't want to agree with what he was saying, but i realised that everything he said was 100% true. And it took him to tell me to make me realise.

Theres a show called 'Skins' that focuses of the life of a bunch of teenagers and goes through the issues that each character faces. In the current season, theres a Character called Grace. Of all the characters that have been on the show, she bears the most similarity to me. In her words "...I am, who i need to be". That was her response to someone telling her that she has a fake personality and is a different person around different people. Essentially, her life is my life in that respect. I am who i need to be. I am a different person around different people, and i Mould myself around others and their thoughts and opinions. Never having an opinion or view of my own, but agreeing with others, even if i dont feel the same way they do. Not wanting to cause any friction or trouble. Willing to sacrifice my own freedom of thought in order to avoid conflict and confrontation.

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Its odd that the most powerful messages are conveyed to me through my dreams.

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I have an appointment with my counsellor on thursday. but im not sure what i want or should talk about. Lately i just have this immense lack of care for everything that is going on. I've just pushed everything aside and just pretended that nothing exists. It seems to be having a positive affect on my mood, but I know that it will all fall back on me again soon.

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Its 6:11AM and I haven't had much sleep. This post probably makes no sense. Im going to try and go back to sleep.

So there have been several boys with whom I kind of had a bit of a crush on from a while back. TN, Hayden, Sushiboy and Nick( my work colleague). Having never had a boyfriend, or a girlfriend for that matter, I've never really experienced before what it felt like to be in a relationship, or to feel loved and wanted. Its kind of crushing you know? Im almost 23 and never had a partner. It sucks because I feel so lonely all the time. The feeling comes and goes a lot. Sometimes its not a big deal, but other times its so overwhelming that I just break down and become an emotional wreck, not wanting to do anything, talk or see anyone at all.

Those boys I mentioned before, each of them, have somehow managed to pull my heart strings, and at different times have made me fall for them. I dont know why I do it, but the first person who shows some sort of an interest in me, or are nice to me without any direct reason, i fall for. My mind plays tricks on me, and I end up with grand illusions in my head, that they are actually interested in me.

But you know, like always, things aren't always how they seem. And then i realise how naive and silly i was, thinking up all of these stupid scenarios in my head. And then starts the downwards spiral.

List of boys who have unintentionally broken my heart (hmm that might not be the best way to put it):
- TN
- Hayden
and now freshly added to the list:
- sushiboy

I guess sushiboy was being nice. perhaps it was a way to get me to keep coming back, so that i'd spend more money there. he's now in a relationship. with a girl. *sadface*

That leaves Nick. Im still unsure about him. One thing i do know is that he makes me happy. Everytime i go to work. Last shift, he wasn't there, because he had some family thign to attend to. It sounds silly but the whole shift, i was in a sour mood. Had no motivation or drive. Didn't talk to anyone else. All because Nick wasn't there. I have a feeling that when i finally do come to the realisation that like the others, Nick might not be able to reciprocate my feelings for him, i think its gonna hurt more than the others.

urgh..

She said I've always been a good boy. Respectful. That i didn't need any friends.

Thinking about it ive come to realise that no matter how selfless i would like to think i am, the truth is, i think about myself all the time. Its always got to be about me. Everything i talk about always comes back around to myself. I hate all this self pity BS. Oh poor me. I've got it so hard. Its so tough to be me. Yeah right.

Its hard to try and genuinely care for others and be selfless when i know that im so messed up that i have to sort myself out first. You know how on planes during the safety demo, they tell you to fit your own oxygen mask on first before helping others? yeah i guess its kind of like that.

k thankx

I just wanted to say hi :-) Sorry i haven't really been replying to comments. I should really try a bit harder.

So the last couple of weeks have been really good. I got to go home and see my parents and my siblings. Honestly even though i didnt really do anything, it was probably the happiest i've been for a while. You know the feeling, where nothing else really matters, and you just get to enjoy life without having to worry about anything else. Not having to worry about work. Not having to worry about uni. Not having to worry about friends or what other people think. I got to be with the people who really matter to me. My family.

But then it got me thinking. Why was i so happy? Im not really sure how to explain it, but its like im living double lives. When im with my parents, nothing else matters. I feel like i live in my own little bubble world. Just mum and dad and i. The two most important people in my life. Its like i didnt need anyone else or anything else. I'd block out every other externality, and the only thing that mattered was the interactions between ourselves. I felt totally secure. It was like a completely controlled environment. Sure, while the feeling was good, i began wondering whether this was healthy. I can't live in isolation from everything and everyone else.

Which brings me to my other 'life'. The external life. Life in the real world. Where i must deal with consequences of my actions, interact with people other than myself and my family, and face the uncertain and volatile environment around me. In this world, i have very little control over what happens. I think its this aspect of 'control' that scares me. Im unable to determine what will happen to me. Im afraid of not fitting in. I try to avoid confrontation and conflict, and i try to just blend in. Im afraid of what others will think of me. This is the real world. Not an isolated bubble world from before. The world in which my parents and family dont exist. The world in which i must forge myself in, in order to survive.

And its just too much for me. I dont think i can handle the real world.

I have absolutely no idea whether anything i've said actualy made any sense at all.

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I need to make another appointment with my counsellor. I made a second appointment a few weeks ago but she was sick and couldn't make it. So as it stands, i've only been to that first initial session. Hopefully next time, we'll make some progress and maybe i'll be able to let her in on my secret and why its eating away at me.

Sometimes i'll wake up and just feel completely down and out for no particular reason whatsoever. This morning is one of those. I wish i could quantiify how i actually feel in words, but i just cant seem to. In slowly loaing my mind and my ability to communicate.

Its 4am in the morning and im wide awake not able to get back to sleep. I feel such a deep disconnection with the world around me. I had a random dream just before i woke up. I was back in highschool, out on a field. Somehow i ended up being part of a soccer/football team. I was goal keeer. Not a very good one though. I failed to save any balls watsoever. I felt so embarrassed, guilty and ashamed of myself. I felt i had let the team down. It was wasnt a great moment for me, and i felt so bad about it that i had to fight back tears. It wasnt my fault i kept telling myself.

All my life i'd never been good at sports. Not because i didnt like sports but becausei dont believe i was ever afforded.the opportunity. As a kid my parents were working pretty much 5am to 7pm and as a result i'd have to take care of my siblings. I never had the chance to do any afterschool extra curricular activities. Was never really part of a team. I also suffered from asthma, which due to lack of correct knowledge for my situation and little time, my parents kept me from.doing physical activities that could trigger my asthma.

During my time at in primaary school, i could never remember why i wasnt in any sports team. I recall one time i was out on a field playing soccer. It was like i was just placed there. I didnt know what to do. I didnt know the rules. Noone had taught me. After the game, all i can remember was that all these older kids calling me names and one name that i remember to this day was 'faggot'. I was called a faggot even tho i had no idea what it meant. It wasnt a good feeling, and ever since then i guess i was so afraid of being abused that i avoided team sports for the rest of my time at school. Id tell my parents to write in letters.to.excuse me from doing any sports, using my asthma as.a reason.

During that time when i was younger, i never really had.many friends. Was never really included in anything. My best friend was a girl called Kim. Sports teams were gender separated so whenever sports.day came, i felt i had lost my best friend for the day. I was so ashamed and embarrassed being with the guys. I was afraid of the things they'd do or say to me. I'd always be chosen last. I dreaded sports so much. Not because i didnt like it but because i was afraid. fraid because i didnt know how to play. Afraid of letting people down. Afraid of being verbally abused after the game. I dont think the teachers did anything about it. They just tokd me not to listen.

The dream i had made me think. I was so afraid being the goal keeper. But what was i afraid of? I was afraid of failure. Afraid to let others down. Afraid at what was coming to me.

I only just realised then, that ive had confidence issues all my life. I was afraid of. Humiliation and rejection so i pusshed it all away. I tried to keep as far away from team sports as i could.

And i deeply regret it now. I never got a chaance to form relationships. I never got a chance to interact with the other guys. I never had a chance to feel wat it felt like to be part of a team. To win as a team. To lose as a team.

I feel so disconnected. Sports is such a big part of normal life and i feek like im missing that entire chunk of my life. Im missing the confidence, the energy and the passion. I guess this is a.reason i feel so awkward and uncomfortable around other guys.

Right now i feel like because i've lost this part of my life, that anything i do in the future will be severely affected. Im almost graduTed and i feel that in any future workplace i'll be in, i may be ostracised from the rest of my co-workers, esp the males, as sports is a common bond most people will share. A bond that i lack. And then i would get stereotyped. They'll probably say "oh he desnt like sports because he's gay". I dont like sports because i was never given the opportunity to like it.

I feel so detachdd and like im missing an entire chunk of me. I live in fear. Im afraid.