Empty Spaces

I saw my counsellor today and I realised things weren't going anywhere. We were only scratching around on the surface not even close to the source of my problems. So i bit the bullet and I told her that I *might* be gay. The keyword is 'might' because I dont know where i stand. I dont know whether its because im still in denial or whether or not I still have some kind of hetero'ness in me. But i told her. I was nervous. I didnt know what to say really. I slurred my words and i stumbled and i stuttered and finally i got it out.

The root of all my problems - "I *MIGHT* be gay"

there. I said it.

Then we discussed it about more, and why I've been distant with EV and why i couldn't confront her about it. I told her i was at a crossroads not knowing what to do. She told me that being at a crossroads was not necessarily a bad thing. The reason i havent taken any steps is because it doesn't feel right yet, and im just not ready to take the first step. And that it is perfectly acceptable and right to be where i am, at a crossroad.

To be completley honest, im not 100% sure counselling is really doing much good for me. I just feel like im just repeating myself a lot. repeating a lot of things that i've already told her last time and stuff that anyone who reads this blog may already know. I dont feel like im really going anywhere.

I dont feel a sense of connection with her. Its not that shes a bad counsellor at all! Thats not what im saying, im just saying that I find it hard to talk about the things at heart, personal issues, when there isn't much of a connection. To make things worse, she's going away for a month. So I have two options. To wait until she comes back, or see another counsellor. Which i dont want to do because then i'd have to repeat everything i've already said. Its like accidentally biting on an existing cut on your lip.

It doesn't seem like im getting much out of it. IT could be several things: maybe im just impatient. I just want everythign to be better right now. Which i know is a very unrealistic thing to think. It will always take time. The other thign is perhaps im not letting her speak, not letting her try to help me. I seem to just want to blurt everythign out, every little detail. I don't know. I guess thats just how i am. I just want to let her know exactly whats going on in my life before I let her analyze and give advice. And the thign is, 1 hour isn't really enough time. It feels like just as we are about to get things rolling, time is up. Its like having an itch, and never being able to scratch it.

Anywho.. thats just how i feel about it all. Hopefully things will get better. She offered to give me some GLBT stuff and support services but im not sure im ready for that yet.

To be completely and utterly honest, all i want, is a single person, whom i can connect with on more than merely a superficial basis. someone who i can love, and who can love me back. Someone who can understand where i am coming from. Someone whos only friend is me. I guess it could be a bit of a jealousy thing. Am i just selfish? I think i am. I dont know. I just feel super lonely. Everything around me just seems so superficial and fake. Or is it just me being so self absorbed that i fail to see what is ACTUALLy around me? Am i too blind and just cannot see past the surface? I dont know...

Its 5:12am in the morning. I went to bed at around 2am. Im up and awake. Seriously, I've had the worst 3 hours, laying in bed, with everything, with nothing, running through my head. Laying there tossing and turning trying to fall asleep. Drifting in and out of sleep. Fading in and out of a dream world and the real world.

In those 3 hours, I had an epiphany.

At work just a few hours before that, Nick had asked to use my phone to text one of his friends, since he had run out of credit on his phone. Knowing me, and after a past incident, I NEVER let anyone touch my phone or my computer. But just this once, I let him, trusting that he would not violate my personal privacy by going through my messages or looking through my phone.

I get nervous whenever anyone asks to use my phone or computer. I get anxious that they'll accidentally open up a message or a bookmark that would ultimately spill the secret that i've held so close to me.

I was in bed when i got several messages come through on my phone. THey were from Nick. He was asking of a huge favor of me. He needed a place to stay, just for the night. So I agreed, and replied back and told him he could stay on the sofa for the night, and sent him my address.

When nick arrived, there was someone with him. A female friend of his. We had never agreed to this, but apparently she also needed a place to stay. Reluctantly I agreed that she could also stay, and pretty soon we all ended up on the fold out bed just chatting. I was on the far left side, Nick was in the middle, and his friend was on the far right side of the rather small and uncomfortable fold out bed. It was getting late so we decided to turn out the lights. Just as the lights were turned out, nick realised he needed to grab something that was laying on the ground beside the bed. He sort of tried to cross over me, but somehow ended up with his arms around me and spooning me.

I turned around and faced him, and asked him what he was doing. He didn't say anything, but i could imagine him smiling back at me in the dark. We kissed. One thing led to another and what originally was a 'twosome' became a 'threesome' with his friend joining in.

It was an intense feeling, being able to be with nick. Although it was quite a sexual situation, the feelings I had, really had nothign to do with lust or pleasure. I felt safe with nick. Secure. A feeling of worth, and love. The feeling that i was no longer alone. I guess you could say it made me feel complete.

Nicks friend persistently tried to get in on the action with me, but I kept pushing her away, and focusing on Nick. I had never felt this way about women before. It just felt so surreal. I have always been alright with seeing female in the nude and the thought of having sex with a female had never bothered me at all in the past, sometimes it actually turned me on. But tonight, I felt something that I had never felt before. I felt an immense repulsion towards her advances on me. I was happy with where i was with Nick, and I didn't want her to come between us. I was complete and didn't need a third.

After that Nick whispered in my ear, and asked me to keep this between the two of us. I promised him.

For some reason we all ended up in a room. My sister was in the room, as well as my younger brother, in addition to nick, his friend, and another two guys who i didn't know. There was idle conversation in the room when one of the guys mentioned Nick and I. I glanced over to Nick, and he gave me a disapproving look, as if to tell me not to say anything. Just before I could answer, my sister turned to me, and asked me "Is there something you want to tell me?" The random guy who had just asked about Nick and I chipped in with "Oh you know, it was so obvious."

"Why are you asking me this?" i answered, in response to both my sisters question and to random guy. "Because i dont want this to go on anymore. Im sick of all the lies and the fights and the trouble" my sister answered. All eyes were on me at this point, and i felt so under pressure and so vulnerable like i've never been before. My eyes started filling with tears, but I held them back, and tried to act as if none of this was true. I wouldn't look anyone in the eyes and I started talkinga bout something else that was completely unrelated. Yet everyone still had their eyes on me, waiting for my reply. So close to tears i was, and so close to just bursting. A million things were running through my mind and i was tryign to stay calm, making up a list of pros and cons in my head and tryign to assess the situation to try and find some way out or at least some sort of damage control.

Then my brother, who had not said a word until this point looked over at me, and said to me, "you know, they're right. You've always been so scared of trouble. Scared of what people say and always wanting to avoid having to deal with the truth, so you tell people what they want to hear".

Those words echoed in my mind. I didn't want to agree with what he was saying, but i realised that everything he said was 100% true. And it took him to tell me to make me realise.

Theres a show called 'Skins' that focuses of the life of a bunch of teenagers and goes through the issues that each character faces. In the current season, theres a Character called Grace. Of all the characters that have been on the show, she bears the most similarity to me. In her words "...I am, who i need to be". That was her response to someone telling her that she has a fake personality and is a different person around different people. Essentially, her life is my life in that respect. I am who i need to be. I am a different person around different people, and i Mould myself around others and their thoughts and opinions. Never having an opinion or view of my own, but agreeing with others, even if i dont feel the same way they do. Not wanting to cause any friction or trouble. Willing to sacrifice my own freedom of thought in order to avoid conflict and confrontation.

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Its odd that the most powerful messages are conveyed to me through my dreams.

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I have an appointment with my counsellor on thursday. but im not sure what i want or should talk about. Lately i just have this immense lack of care for everything that is going on. I've just pushed everything aside and just pretended that nothing exists. It seems to be having a positive affect on my mood, but I know that it will all fall back on me again soon.

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Its 6:11AM and I haven't had much sleep. This post probably makes no sense. Im going to try and go back to sleep.

So there have been several boys with whom I kind of had a bit of a crush on from a while back. TN, Hayden, Sushiboy and Nick( my work colleague). Having never had a boyfriend, or a girlfriend for that matter, I've never really experienced before what it felt like to be in a relationship, or to feel loved and wanted. Its kind of crushing you know? Im almost 23 and never had a partner. It sucks because I feel so lonely all the time. The feeling comes and goes a lot. Sometimes its not a big deal, but other times its so overwhelming that I just break down and become an emotional wreck, not wanting to do anything, talk or see anyone at all.

Those boys I mentioned before, each of them, have somehow managed to pull my heart strings, and at different times have made me fall for them. I dont know why I do it, but the first person who shows some sort of an interest in me, or are nice to me without any direct reason, i fall for. My mind plays tricks on me, and I end up with grand illusions in my head, that they are actually interested in me.

But you know, like always, things aren't always how they seem. And then i realise how naive and silly i was, thinking up all of these stupid scenarios in my head. And then starts the downwards spiral.

List of boys who have unintentionally broken my heart (hmm that might not be the best way to put it):
- TN
- Hayden
and now freshly added to the list:
- sushiboy

I guess sushiboy was being nice. perhaps it was a way to get me to keep coming back, so that i'd spend more money there. he's now in a relationship. with a girl. *sadface*

That leaves Nick. Im still unsure about him. One thing i do know is that he makes me happy. Everytime i go to work. Last shift, he wasn't there, because he had some family thign to attend to. It sounds silly but the whole shift, i was in a sour mood. Had no motivation or drive. Didn't talk to anyone else. All because Nick wasn't there. I have a feeling that when i finally do come to the realisation that like the others, Nick might not be able to reciprocate my feelings for him, i think its gonna hurt more than the others.

urgh..

She said I've always been a good boy. Respectful. That i didn't need any friends.

Thinking about it ive come to realise that no matter how selfless i would like to think i am, the truth is, i think about myself all the time. Its always got to be about me. Everything i talk about always comes back around to myself. I hate all this self pity BS. Oh poor me. I've got it so hard. Its so tough to be me. Yeah right.

Its hard to try and genuinely care for others and be selfless when i know that im so messed up that i have to sort myself out first. You know how on planes during the safety demo, they tell you to fit your own oxygen mask on first before helping others? yeah i guess its kind of like that.

k thankx

I just wanted to say hi :-) Sorry i haven't really been replying to comments. I should really try a bit harder.

So the last couple of weeks have been really good. I got to go home and see my parents and my siblings. Honestly even though i didnt really do anything, it was probably the happiest i've been for a while. You know the feeling, where nothing else really matters, and you just get to enjoy life without having to worry about anything else. Not having to worry about work. Not having to worry about uni. Not having to worry about friends or what other people think. I got to be with the people who really matter to me. My family.

But then it got me thinking. Why was i so happy? Im not really sure how to explain it, but its like im living double lives. When im with my parents, nothing else matters. I feel like i live in my own little bubble world. Just mum and dad and i. The two most important people in my life. Its like i didnt need anyone else or anything else. I'd block out every other externality, and the only thing that mattered was the interactions between ourselves. I felt totally secure. It was like a completely controlled environment. Sure, while the feeling was good, i began wondering whether this was healthy. I can't live in isolation from everything and everyone else.

Which brings me to my other 'life'. The external life. Life in the real world. Where i must deal with consequences of my actions, interact with people other than myself and my family, and face the uncertain and volatile environment around me. In this world, i have very little control over what happens. I think its this aspect of 'control' that scares me. Im unable to determine what will happen to me. Im afraid of not fitting in. I try to avoid confrontation and conflict, and i try to just blend in. Im afraid of what others will think of me. This is the real world. Not an isolated bubble world from before. The world in which my parents and family dont exist. The world in which i must forge myself in, in order to survive.

And its just too much for me. I dont think i can handle the real world.

I have absolutely no idea whether anything i've said actualy made any sense at all.

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I need to make another appointment with my counsellor. I made a second appointment a few weeks ago but she was sick and couldn't make it. So as it stands, i've only been to that first initial session. Hopefully next time, we'll make some progress and maybe i'll be able to let her in on my secret and why its eating away at me.