Empty Spaces

So there have been several boys with whom I kind of had a bit of a crush on from a while back. TN, Hayden, Sushiboy and Nick( my work colleague). Having never had a boyfriend, or a girlfriend for that matter, I've never really experienced before what it felt like to be in a relationship, or to feel loved and wanted. Its kind of crushing you know? Im almost 23 and never had a partner. It sucks because I feel so lonely all the time. The feeling comes and goes a lot. Sometimes its not a big deal, but other times its so overwhelming that I just break down and become an emotional wreck, not wanting to do anything, talk or see anyone at all.

Those boys I mentioned before, each of them, have somehow managed to pull my heart strings, and at different times have made me fall for them. I dont know why I do it, but the first person who shows some sort of an interest in me, or are nice to me without any direct reason, i fall for. My mind plays tricks on me, and I end up with grand illusions in my head, that they are actually interested in me.

But you know, like always, things aren't always how they seem. And then i realise how naive and silly i was, thinking up all of these stupid scenarios in my head. And then starts the downwards spiral.

List of boys who have unintentionally broken my heart (hmm that might not be the best way to put it):
- TN
- Hayden
and now freshly added to the list:
- sushiboy

I guess sushiboy was being nice. perhaps it was a way to get me to keep coming back, so that i'd spend more money there. he's now in a relationship. with a girl. *sadface*

That leaves Nick. Im still unsure about him. One thing i do know is that he makes me happy. Everytime i go to work. Last shift, he wasn't there, because he had some family thign to attend to. It sounds silly but the whole shift, i was in a sour mood. Had no motivation or drive. Didn't talk to anyone else. All because Nick wasn't there. I have a feeling that when i finally do come to the realisation that like the others, Nick might not be able to reciprocate my feelings for him, i think its gonna hurt more than the others.

urgh..